KPW’S ROMEO AND JULIET
BY LIAM HIGGINS
PARODYING THE 1996 MOVIE VERSION OF ROMEO AND JULIET BY BAZ LUHRMANN AND CRAIG PEARCE
FADE IN:
INT. -SIGN
We start out with a sign that says "Warning: Baz Luhrmann was kind of on drugs when we made this and the smoke had consumed most of the room causing all the cast and crew members to also be on drugs...that's probably the best explanation we can give for the final product. So if millions of montages, random colors, actors who don't know what they're doing, mentions of things that wouldn't be seen in a Shakespeare film, bad editing, millions of close-ups, and a movie that couldn't possibly be more lacking in an actual script is not your type of thing, you may want to get out."
INT. -BLACK SCREEN
A television stands on a table behind a blank screen. The squiggles on the television you see when you’re at the wrong channel for the channel plays on the television. The squiggles transition to a sign that says “KPW presents”. Then the channel changes again to a sign that says “A KPW production”. Then the channel changes to a commercial advertising tourists to go to Verona Beach.
INT. -VERONA BEACH COMMERCIAL
The commercial starts off with two people riding horseback in the woods.
ANNOUNCER (IN A LIGHT AND CALM MOOD)
Dost thou feel for some warmth? Dost thou feel for some relaxation?
We cut to a sign that says "Thou hath been in looking in thy wrong place" with yellow font and a black background.
ANNOUNCER
Then thou hath been looking in thy wrong place.
INT. -VERONA BEACH
We use many scenes from the movie and Leonardo Dicaprio's Romeo + Juliet to show crazy a place Verona Beach is.
ANNOUNCER
Verona Beach is a place of madman, guns shooting at each other by day by day. It be a place where thou can go wild and crazy without the scorn of real men. So if thou want a place calm and relaxing thou hath been looking wrong. But if thou want a place crazy and wild thou hath been looking right.
The channel then changes to a newsroom.
INT. NEWSROOM - DAY
In the newsroom, a half-black, half-white newswoman is sitting behind a desk holding a piece of paper in her hands. She is addressing the prologue to the audience as if she were delivering the news.
ANCHORWOMAN
Ay 1996-a year of great tragedies
and great achievements far and
wide. From the year when Clinton
would reign the throne a second
time came the story of two star
crossed lovers who commenced Baz
Luhrmann to tell their tale. Ay
for but 'tis a mistake for,
unknownst to them, Baz was
unworthy of the story for their
was never a movie of no bore than
this of Juliet and her Romeo.
Suddenly the camera zooms in close on the camera and walls are flashing by followed by "In Fair Verona" and the head of the Jesus Statue both of which are also flashing in. Then finally the second time "In Fair Verona" comes in, the screen stops and dramatic music starts playing in the background. Then most of the opening sequence in the movie is used.
INT. FOOTAGE FROM THE MOVIE - DAY
Suddenly the camera zooms in close on the camera and walls are flashing by followed by "In Fair Verona" and the head of the Jesus Statue both of which are also flashing in. Then
finally the second time "In Fair Verona" comes in, the screen stops and dramatic music starts playing in the background.
BACKGROUND SINGER (V.O.)
This movie’s gonna be awesome!
Then most of the opening sequence in the movie is used except for one moment where a camera with a rather blurry background is moving back and forth only to reveal a guy's face.
BACKGROUND SINGER (V.O.)
This movie’s gonna be aw-awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwesome.
INT. LIMO - DAY
Ted and Caroline Montague are on the phone complaining about being cast in this movie to their agents. They do not speak. The narrator is speaking over them.
ANNOUNCER
From forth the fatal loins---.
INT. FOREST - NIGHT
Fulgenio and Gloria Capulet are standing in a forest holding up signs to their chest that say "Kill us, please".
ANNOUNCER
Of these two foes...
INT. BLACK SCREEN - DAY
White words on the screen say "We ran".
ANNOUNCER
A pair of star crossed lovers...
INT. BLACK SCREEN#2 - DAY
White words placed on the screen say "Out of footage".
ANNOUNCER
Take their life!
INT. FOREST - NIGHT
Fulgenio is standing near a police car drinking a bottle of beer annoyed that he had to be in the movie. He sees the camera then the camera pauses and a subtitle under him that says:"Fulgenio Capulet: Juliet's father" pops up.
INT. WALL - NIGHT
Gloria is standing directly at the wall banging her head because she had to be in the movie. She sees the camera and looks embarrassed. The screen pauses and a subtitle under her that says: "Gloria Capulet: Juliet's mother" pops up.
EXT. LIMO - DAY
A limo is standing in front of a forest. The window of the limo rolls down where it turns out Ted Montague is in the limo. The screen pauses and subtitles that say "Ted
Montague: Romeo's father" pop up.
INT. LIMO - DAY
Caroline is smoking a cigarette annoyed she had to be in the movie when she sees the camera. She gives dirty looks at the camera and the screen pauses. Then a subtitle that says "Caroline Montague: Romeo's mother" pops up.
INT. POLICE SCENE - DAY
Captain Prince is standing behind thousands of witnesses and policeman standing next to cars. Captain Prince is trying to look tough. The screen pauses and a subtitle that says "Captain Prince: Ha! Ha!" pops up.
EXT. BEDROOM - DAY
Dave Paris, wearing a bathrobe, walks out of a bedroom when he sees the camera. He decides to smirk and the screen pauses. A subtitle that says "Dave Paris: Careful girls, he's not Leonardo Dicaprio" pops up.
INT. BEACH - DAY
Mercutio is standing behind a beach waving his arms trying to say something but the music blocks out what he's saying. The screen pauses and a subtitle that says "Mercutio: we didn't bother giving him a last or first name" pops up.
INT. MONTAGE - DAY
Clips from many popular movies that are based on Romeo and Juliet including the 1968 Zeferelli version, the 1936 version, West Side Story, High School Musical, The Lion King II: Simba's Pride, and Tromeo and Juliet are played in very fast motion while dramatic music continues to play in the background. The last image in this montage is the film's title. Then a shutter wipe wipes away the title to reveal...
INT. SIDEWALK - DAY
A rap song called "Da Montague Boys" plays as we see three guys, Benvolio, Romeo's good hearted cousin, and his two lunkhead friends, a skinny guy named Sampson and a fat guy named Gregory, walk on the sidewalk with their backs turned to the audience. Suddenly Gregory turns around and looks at the camera.
GREGORY (SHOUTING)
The house of Capulet moves me!
Sampson sees him and pulls him away from the audience.
SAMPSON
Thou art a Montague now!
They continue to talk but the rest is completely tuned out by music.
INT. MONTAGE - DAY
We use the montage from the beginning of the film where they show the statue and the billboards. Then we shutter wipe to...
INT.SIDEWALK-DAY
A guy is walking a dog. We only see the guy from the arm down to the dog itself. The camera, in really fast motion (With subtitles that say "Fast Motion! Whee!") close up to the dog's keychain which says "Murray" and his master's address and phone number. Then the camera goes away from the dog to the feet of Benvolio, Sampson and Gregory walking. The front of Benvolio's left shoe says "Mon" and the front of Benvolio's right shoe says "005". The camera pulls up to Benvolio, Sampson and Gregory. The guys end up walking to...
EXT. CONVENIENCE STORE - DAY
A convenience store. They end up stopping at the store. The camera then pauses and a subtitle that says "Da Montague Boyz: Sampson and Gregory are now working for the Montague’s because it pays better" pops up on the side of the screen. After the screen unpauses, Benvolio turns around and looks at them to warn them that they shouldn't get into any fights with The Capulets.
BENVOLIO
The quarrel is between our masters!
GREGORY (HE SPITS AS HE SHOUTS WHICH HITS BENVOLIO'S FACE)
And us their men!
Suddenly, Sampson and Gregory laugh for no reason. Then they high five each other. Benvolio just walks away rolling his eyes. As he leaves, he passes a car. Suddenly the car gets a "Pimp My Ride"-style look at it until we get to the bottom of the shotgun door. The door opens and Teebult, only viewed from his legs, walks out the door. The screen pauses and a subtitle that says "The Capulets" appears in the background. As soon as the screen unpauses, Teebult drops a cigarette lighter on the ground and squishes it with his boots. Then he walks into the store. A pair of nuns then walk out of the store. The camera pans up to show us the nuns.
The character formerly known as Abram, a servant with black hair that's as vicious as Teebult, is in the driver's seat in the car. He sees the nuns and honks his horn looking at them lustfully.
THE CHARACTER FORMERLY KNOWN AS ABRAM
Double double toil and trouble!
The nuns look at him weirdly thinking he's a loser. Suddenly Gregory is playing the drums and Sampson is holding a microphone. Then they start singing some incomprehensible gibberish. This scares the nuns and causes them to run back into their car. Then they drive away in fast motion as the words "Fast Motion! Whee!" blink over and over again. After they get out of frame, the words stop blinking and the camera pans in fast motion to The Character formerly known as Abram who walks into the frame in the fast motion. After the camera gets close to Abram, the screen pauses and subtitles that say "The Character formerly known as Abram: A Capulet" appears on the side of the screen with another subtitle under it that says “Why else would he be in the car?”.
There is a sudden close-up on Sampson's face. He is scared because The character formerly known as Abram is a Capulet. He turns his head around and looks at Gregory.
SAMPSON
Here comes the house of Capulet...
There is a close-up on Gregory's face. He is supposed to be scared about the Capulets being there but he just looks bored.
GREGORY (BORED)
Quarrel!
He opens to reveal his shirt to reveal a gun in his shirt with a tattoo on it. Then there is a close-up of the tattoo which suddenly has the name "Montague" on it. A little boy that is standing near the gas station pulls out a toy gun that also has a cross on it. Then there is a close-up of the tattoo which has the words "Hasbro" on it. The Character formerly known as Abram, however, is not impressed with either tattoos. He slowly opens his jacket to reveal he is hiding a gun in there too that also has a tattoo of a cross on it. There is a close-up of the tattoo which suddenly has the words "Capulet" on it. This causes Sampson to stand there trembling in fear which causes him to soil himself. Suddenly, TCFKAA laughs. A random servant with a unibrow gets out of the car and laughs along with him. They walk back into the car while they continue to laugh. Sampson and Gregory, however, aren't pleased.
SAMPSON
I will bite my thumb which is a disgrace to thee but for he made me disgrace thy pants he shall pay for thy action!
INT. THE CAPULET'S CAR - DAY
TCFKAA is in the driver's seat while the random unibrow servant is sitting next to him in the shotgun seat. TCFKAA looks at the random unibrow servant.
THE CHARACTER FORMERLY KNOWN AS ABRAM
For reasons to move thy action along and meddle in The Montague’s misery, I shall now turn thy magic mirror toward thy enemy.
He turns the car mirror to where Sampson and Gregory are but finds that their not there. Suddenly, an unseen drum roll is heard.
ANNOUNCER
Ladies and Gentleman, give a round of applause for the G-rated version of the middle finger!
Suddenly, Sampson pops into the frame with his index finger in his mouth making funny faces. This angers TCFKAA and causes him to hit the steering wheel in a fit of range.
EXT. CONVENIENCE STORE - DAY
TCFKAA and the random unibrow servant start to walk out of the car angry for what Sampson did. Suddenly the dramatic music starts again. This causes Sampson and run away from them. As this is happening, cheers go on in the background. Then they jump into a random car causing the dramatic music to stop. This causes boo's to go on in the background. The boo's stop. Sampson and Gregory look around then climb out of the car. TCFKAA walks towards them.
THE CHARACTER FORMERLY KNOWN AS ABRAM (ANGRY)
Do you bite your thumb at us, sir?!
SAMPSON
I do bite my thumb, sir!
THE CHARACTER FORMERLY KNOWN AS ABRAM (REALLY ANGRY)
Do you bite your thumb at US?!,
(more soft)sir?
SAMPSON
Is thee deaf as a post for thy mouth just said I do bite my thumb, sir!
THE CHARACTER FORMERLY KNOWN AS ABRAM
Thy knows you bite yee thumb but thee must question you repetitively to make thee
atmosphere more dramatic, sir!
Suddenly his cell phone rings. Everyone turns their heads toward his cell phone. As they turn their heads, a whoosh sound is heard. TCFKAA takes his cell phone out from his pocket and answers it.
CHARITY WORKER (V.O.)
Thou givest money for charity, SIR?!
GREGORY
Quarrel, sir?!
THE CHARACTER FORMERLY KNOWN AS ABRAM
Charity, sir?! No, sir!
He turns off his cell phone and puts it in his pocket. Then he looks at Gregory.
THE CHARACTER FORMERLY KNOWN AS ABRAM
Quarrel, sir?! No, sir!
SAMPSON
But if thee do accept thy quarrel thy rivalry of Capulet and Montague will be shown to thy peasants watching...and if thy quarrel excites thy villagers, the quarrel of thy future shall be as successful as Zefferelli's!
THE CHARACTER FORMERLY KNOWN AS ABRAM
No better?!
Gregory sees the convenience door starting to open which is followed by dramatic music. He then tries to hurry Sampson up.
GREGORY
Better, say---!
Gregory realizes he's talking normally and tries to correct himself.
GREGORY
I mean---umm---umm---oh whatever, just say better.
Then Sampson and TCFKAA suddenly scream gibberish at each other as Sampson starts to leave. Suddenly Benvolio runs in out of nowhere loading his gun. He starts running around the convenience store waving his gun around everywhere. As he does this, Gregory and TCFKAA take out their guns and Sampson opens the car that has a family in it and tries to hide under it. TCFKAA, viewed from his stomach, points the gun at
absolutely nothing and one of the family members tries to hit Sampson with a purse. After that doesn't work, they try hitting him with a cell phone. After that doesn't
work, they try hitting him with a luggage bag. Benvolio is suddenly standing at a random spot waving his gun around.
BENVOLIO
Thy fools should hath listened to thee, now give thy an intro!
The screen pauses and a subtitle that says "Benvolio Montague: Romeo's cousin, The shirtless wonder, Mr. Teeshirt, Mr. Nobuttons, and Dick Biggieschlong" appears on
the side of the screen. After the screen unpauses, Benvolio waves his arms around which causes everyone to look scared especially TCFKAA and the random unibrow servant. Sampson is still hiding behind that family’s car now getting hit with a teddy bear. He decides he's had enough so he takes out his gun, loads it, and points it at the two kids in the backseat who stop due to him scaring them. He then looks at Benvolio whimpering.
Then suddenly a sign that says "Add More fuel to your fire" comes out of nowhere going back and forth. This scares Benvolio. Then the camera pans over to Teebult viewed from half his head to the beginning of his body smoking a cigarette with a lighter. He drops the match in slow motion (as the words "slow motion! whee!" goes by on the screen two times). Benvolio is really scared of him. Now the camera is only showing Teebult's face. Then the screen pauses and words on the side that say "Teebult: Sadly this will be the last Wil e. coyote-style introduction" pop up on the side of the screen. After the screen unpauses, he takes the cigar out of his mouth and starts talking.
TEEBULT
What, art thou drawn among these heartless hinds? Turn thee, Benvolio. Look upon thy death.
Benvolio, with his hands up still holding his gun, is really scared by Teebult.
BENVOLIO
I do but keep the peace. Put up thy sword, Or manage it to part these men with me.
We get a close-up of Teebult's eyes. He thinks the idea of not fighting is amusing but doesn't like it.
TEEBULT
Peace?
His smirk turns into a frown and his eyes go from amused to mad.
TEEBULT
I hate zee word, as I hate Disney movies, all Montague’s, and thee for I am ze villain. Evil am I as you can tell by thy thick accent that touches thy lips and thy squinty eyes.
Suddenly the same kid who pulled out the toy gun with the cross on it is shouting Adrian off-screen. Teebult turns around and points his gun at the boy. Dramatic music begins in the background.
INT. CONVENIENCE STORE - DAY
The boy's mother is in the store pushing her shopping cart along the store when she sees Teebult pointing a gun to her child through the window.
EXT. CONVENIENCE STORE - DAY
Teebult is still pointing the gun to the child. He says "boo" then the mother pushes the kid out of the way. He turns around and points his gun at Benvolio. He shoots at Benvolio but Benvolio ducks causing him to shoot at a car door. Then, after Benvolio goes back up, he sees Benvolio's gun. There is a close-up shot of Benvolio's gun. It seems Teebult hates Benvolio's gun more than Benvolio. He shoots Benvolio's gun which makes him go flying onto the floor.
Suddenly Sampson is holding a gun. He makes a funny position and screams. Then he turns around and, through his point of view, you can see he is shooting targets in a video game where you shoot everythings. Teebult spins his guns around with the place where the trigger is on his index fingers. TCFKAA shoots 2 guns like
he's the rich Texan on The Simpsons. Teebult stops spinning the gun and points his hands to the right. Then he puts them up in the air and starts spinning the guns again. TCFKAA
continues to shoot 2 guns like he's the rich Texan in The Simpsons. There is a sudden close-up on Sampson's face. He's scared and intimated by The Capulets who are pretty much just standing around showing off. Benvolio is lying on the ground reaching out for Sampson and Gregory to help him.
BENVOLIO
Help!
SAMPSON
Look out!
Suddenly a coke bottle hits Benvolio. Sampson and Gregory run away for their lives. The random unibrow servant hits Benvolio in the face with his can of coke. Benvolio looks at the unibrow servant. He gets scared and runs away. TCFKAA runs into the car and drives in fast motion. Sampson and Gregory are now running in the streets away from the convenience store. Teebult crouches down and dramatically takes his suit off to reveal a vest in there. Then he dramatically takes his vest off to reveal another vest in there. Then he takes his gun out of his pocket and gets up. He sees Sampson and Gregory and points his gun at them.
TEEBULT (V.O.)
For shouting your line to and fro your life shall pay the price!
He shoots Gregory in the head but, although Gregory acts like he's been shot, it doesn't really look like he's been shot. No bullet comes out. Nothing. He just makes a movement like he's been shot while Sampson continues to run. However, Teebult smirks as if he did actually kill someone. Then Teebult drops a random cigarette on the ground. This causes the ground to start to get on fire. Benvolio sees this and, fearful of his life, gets up.
TEEBULT
For wrath fills my blood, I shall make your surroundings a fiery grave.
Teebult sees Benvolio. Benvolio walks towards his gun and grabs it off of the floor.
BENVOLIO
For the choice is clear, I shall walk on horses!
Teebult points his gun at Benvolio. There are about 5 cars parked along the convenience store. Benvolio gets up and climbs onto the first car parked near the convenience store. Then, afraid of Teebult, he walks onto the second car. Teebult sees him and shoots at him but Benvolio crouches down causing Teebult to miss him. Then Benvolio walks off the car. Teebult tries to shoot him again and goes after him. While he does that, we see more footage of the ground catching fire.
INT. SIGN -DAY
A sign says "5 minutes later".
ANNOUNCER (IN A SNOOTY FRENCH ACCENT)
5 minutes later!
INT. FOOTAGE FROM THE MOVIE - DAY
We use some footage from the real movie to show how everybody is reacting to the quarrel.
INT. –VERONA BEACH-DAY
As Benvolio and Teebult are dueling, a guy is lying on top of a mastress while he has handcuffs on him. A sign that says “WTF?” is pointing at him.
INT. FOOTAGE FROM GODZILLA MOVIE - DAY
We use some footage of a Godzilla movie to show how crazy Verona Beach has become.
INT. CAPULET'S OFFICE - DAY
Fulgenio Capulet is sitting at his desk in his office. On his desk is a batch of yellow paper. He takes his remote for no reason and turns it on. On the television, the newswoman is reciting the speech in Romeo and Juliet that goes "from ancient grudge break to new mutiny...".
INT. LIMO - DAY
Ted is looking out the window of his limo.
INT. FOOTAGE FROM THE MOVIE - DAY
We use more footage of the movie to show how the townspeople are reacting to the feud.
EXT. LIMO - DAY
Ted is rolling down his window staring into space.
INT. LIMO - DAY
A plaque with a gun on it and a gold label that says "Longsword" and words under that in tiny print that say "Able to stay on the window of your car" is on the top of the window. Ted reaches for the gun but Caroline hits his hand before he can reach it. Then Ted's hand goes down like he's a child who can't have a cookie. Caroline waves her finger back and forth like she's telling him he can't have the cookie.
INT. STREET - DAY
Teebult and Benvolio are standing on a strangely empty street shooting each other. Teebult shoots Benvolio causing him to die. Then Benvolio shoots Teebult causing him to die.
INT. POLICE CAR - DAY
Captain Prince is driving the police car annoyed that The Capulets and Montague’s keep fighting.
INT. STREET - DAY
Teebult and Benvolio are still shooting at each other. Captain Prince rides up to them and shouts into a megaphone. They see him and start to get scared.
CAPTAIN PRINCE
Enemies compete, throw your mistempered weapons to the ground!
They end up dropping their guns on the ground.
INT. COURT ROOM - DAY
Spectators watch as Captain Prince warns The Montague’s and Capulets not to fight again. Ted and Fulgenio sit in the defendant and verdict seat while Teebult and Benvolio, who should be sitting in those seats, stand in the back. Captain Prince is pissed at the Montague’s and Capulet's because they keep fighting.
CAPTAIN PRINCE
Three civil brawls, bread of an airy word by thee!
He looks at Ted.
CAPTAIN PRINCE
And Montague have thrice disturbed the quiet of our streets. To move the course of the action, thy shall not punish-ed you for the time being but if you ever disturb our streets again your lives shall pay the forfeit of the peace.
INT. LIMO - DAY
Ted, Caroline and Benvolio are sitting in a limo. Ted's annoyed that Benvolio got in another fight but Caroline's more worried about Romeo.
CAROLINE MONTAGUE
Oh, where is Romeo? Saw you him today? Right glad I am he was not at this fray.
BENVOLIO
Madam, an hour before the
worshipped sun peered forth the
golden window of the east,
A troubled mind drove me to walk
abroad, Where, underneath the
grove of sycamore that westward
rooteth from this city side, so
early walking did I see your son.
INT. SYCAMORE GROVE - DAY
Leo is walking on a beach. Words in glitter that say "It's Leonardo Dicaprio!" blink over and over again.
BENVOLIO (V.O.)
Towards him I made, but he was
'ware of me and stole into the
covert of the wood. I, measuring
his affections by my own, Which
then most sought where most might
not be found, Being one too many
by my weary self, Pursued my humor
not pursuing his, And gladly
shunned who gladly fled from me.
INT. LIMO - DAY
Ted is annoyed that they are talking about Leo and interrupts the conversation.
TED MONTAGUE (HIS DIALOGUE IS COVERED BY ANNOYED AUDIENCE MEMBERS WHO BOO HIM)
Many a morning hath he there been seen, with tears augmenting the fresh morning's dew, adding to clouds more clouds with his deep sighs. But all so soon as the all-cheering sun
should in the farthest east begin to draw the shady curtains from aurora's bed, Away from light steals home my heavy son...
INT. SYCAMORE GROVE - DAY
Leo is sitting on a brick wall smoking a cigarette. Anti-drug music is in the background. The camera pans up to Leo as his thoughts are heard through the screen.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO (V.O.)
Why then, oh agent of death, hath squandered my career by making
this play my fate? Oh has thou not seen thou teenage girls make this
trap of death sound better than yore?
He stops thinking when we get to his face. Suddenly we hear a camera click and the image turns into a black-and-white photo with the Abercrombie & Fitch logo on the side. We go closer to Leo and see him writing his thoughts on a blog on a laptop that has come out of nowhere.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO (V.O.)
For I've been through basketball diaries and hath wondered what eats Gilbert Grape. But no man no being on this god given earth of thee hath told me that yeh I shall sink so low.
The Capulet's limo rides up to the beach. Leo sees them riding up. This causes him to get up from the stage and start walking towards the limo. Words that say "Look how
pretty he is" blink over and over again.
INT. VERONA BEACH - DAY
The Capulets are riding around Verona Beach.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO (V.O.)
For hath thou wonder who 'tis the
editor of my fate be when 'tis he
so incompetent, so vile he causes
the minds of the villagers to
stand afraid. 'Tis he can't get a
simple thing right like this
example of ye...did the Montague’s
find thou? Didn't the Montague’s
find thou? Why thou, if the
Montague’s found thy, do they
continue to go on ye chariot?
They pass a fat guy sitting near a stand and a black woman dancing in front of an older man.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO (V.O.)
And for what thou reason incomprehensible is this shot of yore doing in the tragedy of I, Romeo?
INT. LIMO - DAY
The limo stops. Benvolio looks at Ted and Caroline Montague.
BENVOLIO
Can ye have 8 bucks?
EXT. LIMO - DAY
The door opens and Benvolio is pushed out of the window. Then the door closes and the limo rides away. Benvolio gets up and watches the limo ride away.
INT. SYCAMORE GROVE - DAY
Leo is sitting on a brick wall sad because his agent got him a role in the movie even though he doesn't like the script. He looks up and words that say "Kill my agent" pop up for a second. Benvolio teleports behind him.
BENVOLIO
Good morrow, cousin.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
Is the day so young?
BENVOLIO
What saddens my cousin Romeo out of acting the part?
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
Ay me! Sad hours seem long.
He is curious whether Benvolio rode with his family and asks Benvolio that question.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
Was that my father that went hence so fast?
Benvolio is twirling a mustache he suddenly has on.
BENVOLIO(MANIACALLY)
It was.
He takes the mustache off and puts it in his pocket. They jump off the brick wall and start walking away from Sycamore Grove. Benvolio is curious as to why Leo is so depressed.
BENVOLIO
What sadness lengthens Romeo's hours?
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
Not having that which, having, makes them short.
BENVOLIO
In quality?
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
Out.
BENVOLIO
Of quality?
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
Out of his script, which I hate.
They stop walking so they can talk. Benvolio makes exaggerated faces as he talks to Leo.
BENVOLIO
Alas, that script, so good in his view, should be so tyrannous and rough in proof!
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
Alas, that director, whose view is muffled still, should, with eyes,
see pathways to his direction!
Leonardo puts his arm around Benvolio and they start walking
again.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
Where shall we dine?
They pass by a television on a table with the news on. There is a sign on the table that says "All conveniently placed TV’s on sale now $40.00". Leo looks at the television with
a blank expression on his face. The newswoman is quoting the prologue talking about the brawl against Montague and Capulet earlier that morning. However, instead of showing
the actual footage, they show footage of the zeferelli version of the first fight. Leonardo isn't very happy about the fight.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
Oh me-what fray was here?
BENVOLIO
Kawakawa---.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
Yet tell me not, for I have heard
it all. Has much to do with hate
but more with love. Why then, O
brawling love, O loving hate,
O anything of nothing first
created! O heavy lightness,
serious vanity, Misshapen chaos of
well-seeming forms! Feather of
lead---.
He sees that his speech made Benvolio go to sleep. He slightly kicks Benvolio which startles him and causes him to kick Leo himself in the knees. He gets up and starts
punching him. Leo can't believe what Benvolio did.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
Ay cousin, what fray did ye just do? For hath I was just trying to wake you.
BENVOLIO
I'd rather weep than listen to ye speech.
Leo starts to walk away from Benvolio and into a pool hall across the street.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
Farewell, my cous...I shall pool instead of dine.
BENVOLIO
Talk! And I shall go alone...
He runs to Leo towards the pool hall.
BENVOLIO
And if you leave me so, I shall do you wrong!
We see another shot of a fat Filipino guy standing around a
stand of newspapers and magazines. On the shelf near him,
there are a few copies of magazines with Paris, the cocky
suitor of Juliet, getting arrested on Time Magazine next to
a few other magazines. There is a sudden close-up of that
magazine then the camera puns out and we are suddenly at...
EXT. CAPULET CORPORATION - DAY
We see the outside of the Capulet corporation which is a tall building with Capulet's name on the top with red letters.
INT. CAPULET CORPORATION - DAY
Paris is proposing his marriage to Juliet to Fulgenio in his office.
DAVE PARIS
Thou would like to link the fair maden Juliet and I together. ‘Tis not problem for I can see for ‘tis fair maden but 13 and I be but 30 and, ‘tis true, that an attitude from yore toward marriage hath not changed be it 1609 or 2009 making the joyous marriage ever more possible.
Fulgenio sighs heavily and looks at Dave.
FULGENIO CAPULET
My child is yet a stranger in the world. She hath not seen the change of fourteen years.
INT. THAT 70'S SHOW CAR - DAY
Fulgenio and Paris are in the front seat of the car talking while Fulgenio drives the car and two cast members from That 70's show bop their heads.
FULGENIO CAPULET
Let two more summers wither in their pride ere we may think her ripe to be a bride.
INT. LAKE - DAY
A tent is set up near a lake. Closer to the lake, Fulgenio and Paris are sitting on chairs fishing and talking about possibly marrying Juliet.
DAVE PARIS
Younger than she are happy mothers made.
INT. BATHROOM - DAY
Fulgenio and Paris are in the bathroom wrapped in nothing but towels. They are still talking about Paris possibly marrying Juliet.
FULGENIO CAPULET
And too soon marred are those so
early made. Earth hath swallowed
all my hopes but she. She's the
hopeful lady of my earth. But woo
her, gentle Paris, get her heart.
My will to her consent is but a
part. An she agreed within her
scope of choice, Lies my consent
and fair according voice. This
night I hold an old accustomed
feast, Whereto I have invited many
a guest Such as I love. And you
among the store, One more, most
welcome, makes my number more. At
my poor house look to behold this
night Earth-treading stars that
make dark heaven light.
Dave gives off a rather creepy smile. Suddenly Fulgenio walks into the shower and turns the shower knob on. This causes smoke to come out of the shower which transitions
to...
INT. POOL HALL - DAY
Benvolio and Leo inside the pool hall playing pool with their friends including Balthasar. The scene starts with Benvolio, who's shirtless, hitting the pool balls with his stick. Behind Benvolio is a sign that says "No shirt, no shoes, no problem as long as you give us money". After Benvolio hits the ball, he looks at Leo.
BENVOLIO
Tell me, in sadness, what is it that you hate?
Leo is standing by a corner holding his pool stick. He turns around and looks at Benvolio.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
In sadness, cous, I do not hate but love not woman but man!
Balthasar is writing “Shakespeare” on a chalkboard. Under Shakespeare’s name, he writes “Audience, you are idiots!” then underlines it.
BENVOLIO (V.O.)
You love two loins of the same?
Leo walks over to Benvolio.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
Not love love which fills our hearts and our loins...nay! That love I keep for woman. But love as in friendship I give to man. You, Mercutio, Sampson, Gregory, I give this love to.
BENVOLIO
Whom else do you give this love too?
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
Shakespeare! For I've gone through challenges with Gilbert Grape and
gone through the basketball diaries so next would be with Shakespeare, ay? But, alas, for 'tis not what had I hoped.
BENVOLIO
Ay, 'tis not believe it could get better?
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
Ay 'tis can't believe it can get better!
INT. TELEVISION - DAY
Suddenly the news is on the television. The title card of the news says "Verona Beach news". The title card is gray with the words in blue.
INT. POOL HALL - DAY
This captures Leo, Benvolio and the rest of their friends attention which causes them to stop playing pool.
INT. TELEVISION - DAY
A newsman is behind a desk delivering the news. The little panel near him says "Jimmy's parents are out of town".
ANCHORMAN
As you may or may not know, Jimmy
Henderson's parents are out of
town...because his parents are out
of town, he will be throwing a
wild party that everyone in his
high school should go to.
The panel disappears.
ANCHORMAN
Now, let's see what the weather's like...Bob?
A weatherman is on the screen with a screen behind him that says "it will be raining masks in mansions".
WEATHERMAN
If you live in a mansion you might want to get your umbrella because every mansion tonight will be raining masks.
He turns around and looks at the off-screen newswoman.
WEATHERMAN
Kate?
The anchorwoman is now sitting behind the desk reporting the news. As she is reporting, we hear someone banging on the television set.
ANCHORWOMAN
Hello Verona Beach. Tonight, as
you may or may not know, The
Capulet's will be holding a party
at their mansion. Among such
guests there will be James
Cameron. Also, before I forget to
mention, if your not associated
with either The Capulets or The
Montague’s, who I doubt are
watching this, don't forget you
can only dress up as people from
the 1700's. (Someone bangs on the television causing the language to change from English to Elizabethean language) For thou art important.
INT. POOL HALL - DAY
As it turns out, a maintenance worker there was fixing the television by banging it
because the language was messed up. Benvolio and Leo are still watching the news. Leo is interested in what the newspeople said because the language on the television set was messed up therefore he couldn't hear it.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
What did thou messengers of Verona Beach herald?
The maintenance looks at Leo.
MAINTENANCE WORKER
Thou lord Comerun shalt dine tonight at the feast of Capulet!
Benvolio gets an idea to cheer Leo up by breaking into the Capulet party and introducing Leo to James Cameron so he can get the part in James's new movie.
BENVOLIO
Go thither; and, with untainted eye, Compare the script that controls the fates of yore with some that I shall show, And I will make thee think thy crow a swan.
EXT. POOL HALL - DAY
Benvolio and Leonardo Dicaprio are walking out of the pool hall towards Benvolio's car.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
'Tis the way to call it a
blessing, in question more. These
happy masks that kiss movie
directors brows, being black, put
us in mind they hide the fair. He
that is strucken blind cannot
forget the precious treasure of
his eyesight lost. Show me a
script that is passing fair: what
doth it serve but as a note where
I may read who passed that
script? I’ll go along, no such
sight to be shown, But to rejoice
in splendor of mine own.
Benvolio and Leo walk into the car with Leo in the driver's seat. Then they drive away.
EXT. CAPULET MANSION - DAY
A fast cut reveals the outside of Capulet mansion. We knows it's Capulet Mansion because words at the bottom of the screen say "Capulet Mansion" with words under it saying "Really? I thought it was Disney World."
INT. THE MOUTH OF GLORIA CAPULET - DAY
As Gloria is screaming Juliet's name, the camera pans away
from her mouth into...
INT. CAPULET MANSION - DAY
Gloria Capulet, Juliet's mother wearing nothing but a pink beanie and a pink robe. She is standing in the mansion of Capulet screaming Juliet's name. After she stops, she runs around the mansion of Capulet screaming Juliet's name. She runs through the hall. She runs across another hall. She runs through the stairs. As she is doing this, servants in the background are getting ready for the party holding chairs, tables, piñatas, and even crates of booze.
INT. BEDROOM - DAY
Two teenagers are sitting on a bed making out. Gloria runs into the bedroom then runs to the door.
EXT. WINDOW OF CAPULET'S MANSION - DAY
Gloria screams Juliet's name out of the window.
INT. VERONA BEACH - DAY
Her voice is echoed throughout the whole town.
INT. TREE - DAY
A bunch of birds are standing on a tree unaffected by Gloria's scream. One of the birds looks at another bird.
BIRD#1
Hath the shout of Capulet shall make thee run away from thy bounty?
The bird next to him looks at him strangely.
BIRD#2
The shout of Capulet shall not make thy run away from thy bounty.
BIRD#1
But, as feathered souls, shall not a scream, an echo, go into our souls and make us run away from our bounty?
BIRD#2
Though the scream of Capulet shake my soul 'tis not enough to make thee run away from thy bounty.
INT. CAPULET'S MANSION – DAY
Gloria is running down the stairs looking for Juliet. She sees a bunch of servants setting up the table for the party. At the center of the crowd is Nurse, Juliet's middle aged nurse. Gloria looks at Nurse.
GLORIA CAPULET
Nurse!
Nurse hears her name which calls her attention. She walks over towards Gloria.
GLORIA CAPULET
Nurse, where's my daughter? Call her forth to me.
NURSE
I bade her come. God forbid!
Gloria poses like Macaulay Culkin then walks out of the frame. Nurse then starts to run up the stairs.
NURSE
Juliet!
INT. JULIET'S BEDROOM - DAY
In Juliet's bedroom, we see nothing but a rope hanging. Suddenly, Juliet's head pops into the rope. The nurse runs into her room screaming her name. This catches Juliet's attention. The nurse runs around her screaming Juliet which causes Juliet to take the rope off her head.
INT. CAPULET'S MANSION - DAY
Gloria is running around the middle of the stairs screaming Juliet's name. Suddenly, Juliet walks down the stairs with a starry eyed look in her face.
JULIET (WITH A SUBTITLE SAYING ON THE BOTTOM OF THE SCREEN SAYING “FLAT DELIVERY”)
Madam, I am here, what is your will?
Gloria sees Juliet and rushes Juliet and Nurse away from the stairs.
INT. GLORIA'S DRESSING ROOM – DAY
Gloria shepherds Juliet and Nurse into her opulent dressing room and closes the door. She looks at Nurse.
GLORIA CAPULET
Nurse, give leave awhile, we must talk in secret.
She opens the door and pushes Nurse out of the room then closes the door. She looks at Juliet. As we look at Juliet, the Psycho music plays in the background. Suddenly, the
frantic energy starts up and she opens the door to reveal that Nurse and Peter, another servant, were listening to the conversation they were about to have through the wall.
GLORIA CAPULET
Nurse, come back again. I have remembered me, thou's hear our counsel.
Nurse walks in. Then Gloria closes the door and starts to talk to her about her daughter.
GLORIA CAPULET
Nurse, thou knowest my daughter's of a pretty age.
As she talks, she takes off her robe and throws it at Nurse. Then she takes off Juliet's wig, which was shoulder length blonde hair, to reveal she has small brown hair. Then she starts to walk over to her mirror. Juliet sees that the dress underneath her robe says "Marry Paris even though he's 30" which interests Juliet. The nurse is putting the robe away as she talks to Gloria.
NURSE
Thou wast the prettiest babe that e'er I nursed.
Gloria is crouched down at a mirror in her dressing room putting a pill in her mouth and washing it down with water in a blue cup.
GLORIA CAPULET
By my count, I was your mother
much upon these years that you are
now a---.
The nurse looks at Gloria. Suddenly, two servants are in the dressing room near Gloria.
GLORIA CAPULET
maid.
Gloria sees the time magazine with Paris getting arrested on the cover. This inspires her to tell Juliet about Paris. She walks towards Juliet, who's sitting down on a chair. She
tells her about Paris trying to marrying her.
GLORIA CAPULET
Thus then in brief, the valiant Paris seeks you for his love.
The nurse walks to Juliet also trying to get Juliet to marry Paris.
NURSE
A man, young lady! Lady, such a man as all the world - why, he's a man of wax.
Juliet takes the time magazine out of Gloria's hands and opens it to find nothing in there but "Marry Paris even though he's 30" written over and over again. She looks up to find Gloria, Nurse, and the two other maids in the room crouched right in front of her. Gloria has "Marry Paris", Nurse has "even though", the first maid has "he's" and the second maid has "30" emblazoned on their foreheads.
GLORIA CAPULET
Verona's summer hath not such a
flower.
NURSE
Nay, he's a flower; in faith, a very flower.
Gloria walks away from Juliet as she continues to talk.
Nurse takes a fan and blows Juliet's face with it. She walks
over to two servants who are taking the dress for her Paris Hilton costume out of a dresser. She walks to them and they put it on her. Then they wrap it on her in fast motion
as the words "fast motion! whee!" blink on and off. After their done, Gloria walks over to Juliet.
GLORIA CAPULET
This night you shall behold him at
our feast; Read o'er the volume of
young Paris' face And find delight
writ there with beauty's pen. This
precious book of love, this
unbound lover, To beautify him
only lacks a cover. So shall you
share all that he doth possess, By
having him, making yourself no
less.
She pushes Juliet's face out of her sight as she continues to walk away from her. Then in the reaction shot of Juliet, she is just poking her nose. Gloria walks over to the mirror and puts on her Paris Hilton wig. Then the servants give her a Chihuahua and she grabs it out of their hands. Then turns to look at Juliet in fast motion. She looks directly at Juliet and Juliet looks directly at her. This causes Gloria to hypnotize Juliet with her eyes.
GLORIA CAPULET (V.O.)
Like of Paris's love!
Like of Paris's love!
Like of Paris's love!
Like of Paris's love!
Juliet suddenly snaps out of it by blinking her eyes and shaking her head. Then suddenly Gloria is right in front of her.
GLORIA CAPULET
Can you like of Paris's love?
JULIET
I'll look to like, if looking liking move, But no more deep will I endart mine eye, Than your consent gives strength to make it fly.
Gloria, unimpressed with this, just sighs sarcastically at Juliet's innocence. Suddenly Peter, another servant of the Montague's, walks in.
PETER (IN AN UPPERCRUST ACCENT)
Mudum, the guest’s ahh here.
GLORIA CAPULET
Go!
She takes a random feather and holds it elegentantly like she's an empress.
GLORIA CAPULET
We follow thee!
Gloria and the random servants who happen to be in the room walk out of the room in fast motion as the words "Fast Motion! Whee!" blink over and over again. The last servant closes the door. Then Gloria pops back in.
GLORIA CAPULET
Juliet...
She gives Juliet the finger then closes the door. Suddenly, the fast pace stops as Nurse turns the light down a bit. She walks towards the mirror which now has a candle on it. She takes a match and lights it up with the match pack. Then she uses the lighted match to light the candle. After she lights the candle, she blows the candle out in slow motion and drops it to the floor. She walks towards an iPod set up with one of those things you set up an iPod on that stand directly up and she touches "cliché romantic music" on it.
Then she walks over to Juliet and starts massaging her back. She leans closer towards Juliet.
NURSE
Go girl, seek happy nights to happy days.
Juliet turns a page in the time magazine she was holding that says "Don't date Paris". This freaks her out.
INT. SKY - NIGHT
Fireworks are blowing up in the sky.
BACKGROUND SINGER (V.O.)
Love is in the aaaaaaaaaaair....
EXT. CAPULET MANSION - NIGHT
Juliet is watching the fireworks outside her window. For the Capulet party, she is dressed up as an angel.
BACKGROUND SINGER (V.O.)
Just waiting for you around the
corner...
INT. SYCAMORE GROVE - NIGHT
A bunch of people are going to Sycamore Grove, which is now a carnival, despite the fact that The Capulets are holding a party. The subtitle at the bottom of the screen says "Sycamore Grove" and under it there are words that say "Random carnival".
BACKGROUND SINGER (V.O.)
It will take you away to your
destination!
INT. BEACH - NIGHT
The background singer, who can now be seen, is standing on the beach still singing.
BACKGROUND SINGER
Then will be a family of---.
Sampson, who is dressed like a Viking, is also at the beach. He takes his gun and shoots the background singer who's off-screen. Leo, dressed as a brick wall, is lying behind a
wall watching the fireworks. We cut back to the background singer singing.
BACKGROUND SINGER
Piran---.
He gets shot in the heart which causes him to force the last
part of the song out.
BACKGROUND SINGER (FORCED OUT)
Hahs!
He falls to his death. Sampson is happy he just killed that guy. Then he looks at Leo.
SAMPSON
The capital punch!
Benvolio, dressed like Harold from Hey Arnold!, jumps up from a chair laughing. Leo looks at Sampson strangely. We cut back to Sampson who is now pointing his gun towards Romeo's
direction!
SAMPSON
Die a beggar!
Suddenly Gregory, also dressed like a Viking, walks into the frame laughing. Leo is confused why Gregory is alive seeing as he thought he was dead. Leo gets up from where he's sitting and walks over to Gregory.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
Art thou not dead?
Leo and Sampson look at Gregory suspiciously. Suddenly, the screen pauses.
ANNOUNCER
Need a moment? Then let's have a random musical number and forget this ever happened!
Suddenly Mercutio's car, a red corvet, drives in with his license plate, which says his name, mostly in the frame of the movie. As this happens the song "It's a blam" plays in the background. As soon as the camera zooms in on Mercutio's license plate, the close-up causes the screen to crack.
INT. MERCUTIO'S CAR -NIGHT
We cut to the inside of Mercutio's car. Mercutio, a black man in his 20's dressed in drag with a beyonce-type afro as his wig, laughs. In fast motion, he puts on lipstick then
puts on eyeliner then sprays perfume on himself then drops his invitation in his pants. As he does this, the song "It's a blam" continues to play in the background. As this happens,
the crack in the screen caused by the immense close-up of Mercutio's license plate continues to be on the screen but we can still see what's going on.
INT.BEACH-NIGHT
The crack can still be seen however you can still see what's going on. Mercutio walks out of his car like he's hot stuff. He sees the other guys and he starts shaking and laughing
because he's happy to see them. They also start laughing. Benvolio is sitting laughing and clapping. Sampson, Gregory, and Meructio run
towards the camera and laugh at the camera. As this happens, the song "What is Love?" continues to play in the background. They spring away from the camera back towards the beach. Leo is confused as to why they are laughing.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
Why art thou laughing?
We cut back to Mercutio and the guys. Mercutio starts singing badly as Sampson and Gregory listen to him again. As he sings, the screen cracks again and again.
MERCUTIO (SINGING BADLY)
Do you need
a break from the plot?
Then have no fear
'Cause I am here
And I'll sing a song.
To move nothing along.
Suddenly Sampson and Gregory are dancing like this is the best song they've heard in their life.
MERCUTIO (SINGING BADLY)
Oh woe it's a blam!
So the plot doesn't give you a wham!
It's got nothing to do with the story
Makes the audience go, (in a really high pitched voice)What the fuck?!
As he is singing, the screen cracks more and more until the screen finally breaks causing only a blue screen to be seen. Then it switches to a sign saying "Sorry, but, because of
technical difficulties, we will cut to the next scene. Let's just say this scene had this---". After we see that sign, we cut to footage from the movie where Mercutio is actually
flaunting his butt to Sampson and Gregory on the stage where Leo was sitting earlier in the movie. Then we cut back to another sign that says "Oh, and at one point Mercutio does this" then we cut to Leo,
still sitting, laughing at Mercutio as he puts a gun to his head. Mercutio starts dancing towards him.
MERCUTIO (SINGING BADLY)
It's a blam!
Not to be confused with Emeril's bam!
Nothing to do with the story...
'Cause the writers don't really care!
He then takes his invitation out of his groin. We cut back to the sign.
A sign says "Now back to the movie."
Mercutio walks towards Leo and gets a little too uncomfortably close to him. He slicks his wig back like he's a guy trying to get a girl to go out with him.
MERCUTIO
Young hearts run free. Never be caught up. Nay, gentle Romeo, we must have you dance.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO (AS HE IS DOING THIS HE IS TAKING OFF HIS BRICK WALL COSTUME)
Not I, Not I believe me: you have dancing shoes With nimble soles: I have a soul of lead.
Mercutio pulls him even closer to him and looks him directly in the eye.
MERCUTIO
You are a lover; borrow Cupid's wings, And soar with them above a common bound.
Leo pushes Mercutio away from him and starts to walk away from him.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
Under love's heavy burden do I sink!
Mercutio catches up with him and stops him by putting his hand on his shoulder.
MERCUTIO
Too great oppression for a tender thing?
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
Is love a tender thing? It is too rough, Too rude, too boisterous, and it pricks like thorn.
Mercutio takes out two male condoms as he talks to Leo.
MERCUTIO(KIND OF GETTING TURNED ON BY LEO)
If love be rough with you, be rough with love; Prick love for pricking, and you beat love down.
They start to giggle at each other which causes "What is Love?" to play again. Then Mercutio grabs Romeo and puts him under his armpits. Then they walk off the stage and join the others. Then everyone starts to walk on the beach singing the first verse in "It's a blam". Suddenly, Romeo stops the mood by getting out of Mercutio's control and breaking away from him.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
But 'tis no wit to go!
Suddenly Mercutio walks toward him angry that Leo still hasn't considered dating him as a way to make him stop being so depressed.
MERCUTIO
Why, may one ask?
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
I dreamt a dream tonight.
MERCUTIO
And so did I.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
Well, what was yours?
MERCUTIO
That dreamers often lie.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
In bed asleep, while they do dream things true?
Mercutio pretends to be amazed by what Leo said and pretends to gawk sarcastically.
MERCUTIO
O, then I see---.
He takes out a card with his name and phone number, which is 974-456, on it. Everyone just looks at him strangely. He suddenly sees he took out the wrong card and puts it away. Then he takes out a DVD copy of Moulin Rouge!
MERCUTIO
O, then I see, Moulin Rouge! hath been with you. She is the Oscar nominated masterpiece and she comes in a runtime no longer than 97 minutes.
There is a sudden close-up of the Moulin Rouge! DVD.
MERCUTIO
The importance of the fair lady so great, she deserves to be seen close.
The camera goes back to Mercutio holding the DVD talking about Moulin Rouge!
MERCUTIO
Drawn with a team of writers over
studio's heads as they count their
blessing: Her chariot is a
glittered hazel-nut her Wagoner a
Jedi knight, and in this state she
gallops(he starts to get more
excited and jumps up and
down)night by night through
lover's brains, and then they
dream of---.
He points to Leo who looks at everyone then shrugs because he's not really sure what they dream of but decides to guess.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
Puppies?
MERCUTIO
Love! O'er writer's fingers, who
straight dream while smoking, (he
starts getting a little
angry)sometime she driveth o'er a
Jedi knight, and then dreams he of
marrying Nicole Kidman, only to
find she can't love at all and
then sleeps again.
He takes Gregory and pushes him down to the floor. Then he kicks him.
MERCUTIO (ANGRIER)
This is the hag, when maids lie on their backs, That presses them and learns them first to bear, Making them women of good carriage.
He starts walking toward the beach as everything gets more dramatic.
MERCUTIO (EVEN ANGRIER)
This is she! This---is---she!
We use footage of a bomb exploding. Then we cut to the guys who all have black marks on their faces from the explosion. Mercutio starts breathing very heavily. Leo touches his arm to reassure him but Mercutio jumps back. We get a close-up of Leo's face who's worried his friend has gone crazy.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
Mercutio, thou hideth behind the mask when thou hath PMS?
We get a close-up of Mercutio's face. He's just realized that Leo will never love him.
MERCUTIO
PMS I have not---I speak of dreams! But one dream hath taken over my mind---the dream of love with the loin of the same.
We get a back shot as Mercutio talks about his crush on Romeo. Sampson, Gregory, Benvolio, and Leo are listening to him as he talks. Sampson, Gregory, and Benvolio look interested in what he has to say while Leo holds a sign that says “concern”.
MERCUTIO
But one specific other shall not
reach the loins of thy---that
other 'twas you, Romeo. For you
love two loins of the different
while I love two loins of the
same. For Moulin Rouge hath tried
to tell my soul you love two loins
of the same but thy brain knows
different. So Romeo, go on, and
touch the loin of a woman---our
relationship hath not to be!
Benvolio gets pissed that they are talking so long to get to the party.
BENVOLIO
This relationship, you talk of, blows us from ourselves; supper is done, and we shall come too late!
Benvolio leaves. Suddenly, Romeo, who has another close-up on his face, starts talking about what will happen if he watches Moulin Rouge before the party.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
I fear, too early...
INT. CHURCH - NIGHT
Romeo is standing in front of a church with rows of people dressed like glittering crosses. They are standing exactly like a cross. Romeo is standing in front of a television. He is putting Moulin Rouge! into the DVD player. As he does
this, dramatic music plays in the background.
INT. BEACH - NIGHT
We are back to the close-up shot of Romeo.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
For my mind misgives...
INT. CHURCH - NIGHT
The flashy people dressed as crosses are still standing on the sidelines. Leo is slowly putting the television on.
INT. BEACH - NIGHT
We are back to the close-up shot of Romeo talking about his fear of another montage.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
A sequence of flash and awe shall
bitterly begin his fearful date...
INT. CHURCH - NIGHT
The Moulin Rouge! DVD bar is on the television. The option "play" is highlighted on the DVD bar. Leo is about to press okay.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
With this night's revels.
He presses "OK" which starts the movie. Then suddenly, tragedy strucks as we get a close-up of his eye who starts to look scared.
INT. SKY- NIGHT
Fireworks blow in the sky.
INT. SPINNING LIGHTS - NIGHT
There are lights spinning on a floor.
INT. BEACH - NIGHT
Suddenly Mercutio's car is driving out of the beach.
ANNOUNCER
All lucky gentleman!
INT. SPINNING LIGHTS - NIGHT
There are more lights spinning on the floor.
MERCUTIO (V.O.)
Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit's aaaaaaaaaaaaa...
INT. BEACH - NIGHT
Mercutio is standing on top of a red corvet dancing all over the place while Sampson, Gregory, and Benvolio are circling around the car holding their guns in the air.
MERCUTIO (SINGING SLOWLY)
Blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaam?
INT. SPINNING LIGHTS – NIGHT
We see more spinning lights on the floor as Mercutio, through voiceover, continues to hold the lyric "blam".
INT. BEACH - NIGHT
Mercutio is still standing on top of the car moving weirdly as he sings "What is Love?". As he continues to sing, Sampson, Gregory, and Benvolio are facing the audience
pointing their guns at them.
MERCUTIO (SINGING SLOWLY)
Nothing to do with the plot...
'Cause the writers are incompetent...
So we'll have a drug sequence.
EXT. CAPULET MANSION - NIGHT
We use footage from the movie where we see the outside shot of Capulet mansion which is decorated like it's Christmas and a subtitle at the bottom says "The party begins".
INT. CAPULET MANSION - NIGHT
We use the 2nd shot after that shot from the movie where we see people, all dressed like their from the 1700's, having fun while a subtitle at the bottom of the screensays "at Capulet Mansion" while a subtitle under it says "Obviously". Romeo is just standing, high as a kite, while many masks drop onto the crowd. While this makes everyone else run in the background because masks are falling while one of the masks lands perfectly on the top of his head. Then a random hand puts it on his face. He takes out his invitation and shows it to the doorman who nudges to him that he can go in. Romeo looks around and sees Ziddler from Moulin Rouge! For most of the scene, we use Ziddler's rap from Moulin Rouge! interspliced with Romeo's reactions. He's starting to look ill from having to watch Ziddler's rap. Between each mask, his mask is either on or off or he's wearing a different mask. About the 7th time this happens, we get a close-up of Leo, who's mask in not on his face anymore. He is scared of the images he is seeing after seeing "Moulin Rouge!". A subtitle at the bottom says "Paid for by the ADA (Anti-drug association").
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
Drugs are quick!
Then the crowd runs in fast motion. Suddenly, the movie cuts to a picture of Spaghetti cat. Then we go back to Leo who's looking really sick about
everything that's going on. Then we cut to Fulgenio, who's still holding the lyric "marmalade". Suddenly, he stops and crouches in a position that looks like he's going to attack Leo and hisses.
INT. BATHROOM - NIGHT
Leo is in a bathroom stall dunking his head in the toilet to get the drugs out of his system. He dunks his head out of the toilet and walks out of the stall. He takes the mask off and puts it in the toilet. A subtitle that says “Common sense alert” appears while alarms play in the background. We cut back to Romeo walking out of the bathroom. A guy in a trench coat passes him.
INT. CAPULET MANSION - NIGHT
Leo walks out of the bathroom with the guy in the trench coat behind him. As the door is about to close, the guy in the trench coat takes the door and pulls a trashcan towards it to
stop it from closing. Leo walks away from the bathroom. As he's about to walk away from the frame, he hears the Broke back Mountain theme song.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
Thy Music of thee night pulls me toward the fish bowl from where I went to wither.
Leonardo starts to walk over to the fish bowl. As he walks over to the fish bowl, the man in the trenchcoat, still in the bathroom, is about to flash himself but when he finally
flashes himself Leo walks in just in time to block it. After he blocks him, Leo walks over to the fish bowl and stares blankly into the fish bowl. On the other side of the fish bowl, Juliet is staring at Romeo. It's love at first sight. Well, Juliet is in love with Romeo anyway. When we cut back to Romeo, he's busy brushing his hair while looking at his
reflection through the fish bowl. Then we cut back to Juliet who is still awed by Romeo's presence. However, when we cut back to Romeo, he's busy texting on his cell phone. Then we cut to a shot of the two of them looking at each other through the fish bowl. They are suddenly in love with each other. We cut to Romeo walking towards the fish bowl about to kiss it. We cut to Juliet walking towards the fish bowl about to kiss it. They go towards the fish bowl and kiss it really aiming for each other. Nurse walks towards Juliet and takes her by the arm. This gets Juliet's attention and causes her to stop kissing the fish bowl.
NURSE
Your mother calls!
Nurse takes Juliet away. Leo, madly in love with Juliet, runs after her. As he runs after her, he steps in a row of tires next to each other like he's in the army then he jumps over some people playing Twister. He follows her into a crowd of partygoers dancing to the broke back mountain theme song. Dave Paris, like Gloria, is dressed like Paris Hilton. This has caused them not to be impressed with each other.
DAVE PARIS
Who shalt change? Why shalt thy change?
Mercutio walks over to them.
MERCUTIO
There already be a man in a lady's body. That's why thou shalt change.
Mercutio leaves.
DAVE PARIS
I shalt not change...
He points to Gloria.
DAVE PARIS
You shalt change!
Gloria sees Juliet coming and looks at Paris.
GLORIA CAPULET
Let us not make haste...let us share the same identity!
He grabs him by the arm and points him toward Juliet who's off-screen.
GLORIA CAPULET
Look, here comes lady Juliet.
Nurse takes Juliet over to Paris and Gloria. Paris, thinking he's hot stuff, asks Juliet to dance.
DAVE PARIS
Juliet, can you deny to dance?
Gloria peaks over from Paris's shoulder.
GLORIA CAPULET
A man young lady, such a man.
Paris takes Juliet's hand and they dance into the crowd of partygoers. Teebult, who's wearing a Stewie Griffin mask, and his two henchman, both dressed like Rupert, are standing near the stairs. Teebult, smoking a cigarette, isn't very happy to see Leo and his friends at the party.
TEEBULT
Cliché look-alike henchman, what dares the slave come hither, To fleer and scorn at our solemnity? Now, by the stock and honour of my kin, To strike him dead, I hold it not a sin.
They turn around but Fulgenio suddenly walks in. He puts his arm around Teebult and tries to tell him not to kick Leo and his friends out.
FULGENIO CAPULET
Why, how now, kinsman! Wherefore storm you so?
TEEBULT
Uncle, this is that villain Romeo. A Montague, our foe.
FULGENIO CAPULET
Content thee gentle coz, let him alone. I would not for the wealth of all this town Here in my house do him disparagement. Therefore be patient; take no note of him.
Teebult can't believe what he's hearing. He breaks away from Fulgenio.
TEEBULT
I'll not endure him.
CLOSE ON: Capulet, exploding with rage.
FULGENIO CAPULET
He shall be endured!
(slapping Teebult viciously)
What, Goodman boy! I say he
shall! Go to!
Teebult, angry at Capulet, walks towards him.
TEEBULT
Hath disappointment strikes me, uncle. To pay for the disparagement, ye shall wear the clothes of Mario and thee shall wear the clothes of Luigi!
Capulet, annoyed that Teebult wants to dress like The Mario Brothers next year, slaps him again.
FULGENIO CAPULET
To be Mario or not to be Mario...not to be Mario!
The partygoers are still dancing with Paris and Juliet dancing in the middle. Juliet looks at Romeo, who is off-screen. She takes a few looks at Romeo then takes a few looks at Paris. Romeo, who is standing in front of a woman in a nun costume, smiles at Juliet. It looks like from his POV, he is walking towards Juliet but then it turns out to
be a cameraman walking backwards. He is filming something. We cut back to Romeo who is still in his spot.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
Did my heart love till now? Forswear it, sight. For I ne'er saw true beauty till this night.
Leo walks over to Juliet and Paris, who are still dancing with everyone else. Paris twirls Juliet in really fast motion which causes her to spin out of his hands and into Romeo. As soon as she bumps into Romeo, their eyes meet. It's love at first sight.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
If I profane with my unworthiest hand This holy shrine, the gentle sin is this: My lips, two blushing pilgrims, ready stand To smooth that rough touch with a tender kiss.
JULIET
Good pilgrim, you do wrong your hand too much, Which mannerly devotion shows in this; For saints have hands that pilgrims' hands do touch, And palm to palm is holy palmers' kiss.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
Have not saints lips, and holy palmers too?
JULIET
Ay, pilgrim, lips that they must use in prayer.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
Well, then, dear saint, let lips do what hands do; They pray, grant thou, lest faith turn to despair.
JULIET
Saints do not move, though grant for prayers' sake.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
Then move not, while my prayer's effect I take. Thus from my lips, by yours, my sin is purged.
JULIET
Then have my lips the sin that they have took.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
Sin from my lips? O trespass sweetly urged! Give me my sin again.
JULIET
You kiss by the book! But how shalt us, two newborn lovers, escape away from the creatures of the night?
Suddenly the wall opens up and balloons come out of the walls. This gets everybody's attention and causes them to clap. We cut back to Leo and Juliet who are smiling about this because this is the perfect time to kiss.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
Oh convenience, shalt us do no wrong?
Suddenly, they start kissing in slow motion as the Broke back Mountain theme song appears again. As they kiss, they walk towards the elevator. Romeo takes out the elevator key and uses it to unlock the elevator. Then he presses the button for the elevator as they continues to kiss. Then the doors open with two other people and a pizza boy dressed like Spiderman in it. From the crowd, Gloria sees Leo and Juliet kissing. This causes her to say "No" in slow motion. As they kiss, Leo and Juliet walk into the elevator. As they are kissing, Leo tries to touch the elevator button to go up but instead he presses the elevator button to keep the elevator open. As they are kissing, Nurse walks to Leo and Juliet.
NURSE
Madam, your mother craves a word with you. Come, let's away!
She grabs Juliet's hand and they start walking away from Leo. This causes Leo to run after her. As he runs after her, the footage where he steps into rows of tires like he's in
the army then jumps over people playing Twister is re-used. As this happens, dramatic music play in the background as Leo and Juliet look at each other. Nurse ends up leading
Juliet all the way up the stairs, which has a sign that says "Stop if your name is Romeo and you are a Montague". Nurse and Juliet enter the stairs by having Nurse take the sign
off. Then when they go to the stairs, Nurse puts the sign back on. Then she leads her up the stairs. Leo runs to the stairs but sees the sign. This causes him to look up at Juliet scared that she might be a Capulet.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
Is she a Capulet?
INT. CAPULET MANSION-UPSTAIRS - NIGHT
Nurse leads Juliet up stairs to the right of the room. After they get to the right, they stop walking and Nurse looks at Juliet.
NURSE
His name is Romeo, and he's a Montague; The only son of your great enemy.
This causes Juliet to be worried.
INT. CAR - NIGHT
Juliet is in a car screaming while the camera spins around.
INT. CAPULET MANSION - NIGHT
Two children, a boy and a girl, are on the dance floor all by themselves. They just saw Juliet's dream sequence and are reacting to it.
LITTLE BOY
Hath an unexpected twist, nay?
The little girl gets frustrated with the boy because everyone else already knew he was a Montague and she was a Capulet.
LITTLE GIRL
Nay! If you listened to their
fate, you shall see unexpected it
'twas not!
The little girl runs away from him rolling her eyes. Suddenly, Dramatic music begins in the background as Mercutio, viewed from his legs, starts walking towards Leo. As he walks, the camera goes back to show all of Mercutio. He walks towards Leo who is looking at Juliet afraid because he loves her but they can't date seeing as he's a Montague and she's a Capulet. Mercutio walks to him and takes his arm. We cut to James Cameron giving the script of Titanic to Matthew McCoughnahey. Mercutio sees this and thinks this is the reason Leo's depressed. Mercutio tries to tug Leo away from the stairs.
MERCUTIO
Away, begone: the sport is at it's best!
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
Ay, so I fear, the more is my unrest.
Mercutio drags Leo away as he exchanges frightened looks with Juliet who's all the way upstairs. Leo runs back towards Juliet just to look at her frightened that they might not be able to be together but Mercutio pulls him back with a cane. Then Leo, being pulled by Mercutio with the cane, continues to exchange frightened looks with Juliet.
EXT. CAPULET MANSION - NIGHT
A few people are sitting on the walls of the Capulet Mansion giggling like crazy. Mercutio leads Leo out of the Capulet Mansion as dramatic music plays in the background. Leo sees Juliet in the window in the mansion acting like she
can't believe what she's done. As this happens, dramatic music plays in the background. As the music continues to play in the background, Mercutio leads Leo away from the mansion. At one point, he pushes through a bunch of people in costumes talking to each other. As he rudely goes in their way, they look at him angry. However, Leo continues to look at the window while Juliet is on a treadmill. Mercutio leads Leo to a little hut where a guy is checking people for their guns. A sign above the hut says "Leave your guns, grenades, any weapon people usually carry here". Mercutio walks over to the hut where we see a guy in a Shakespearean costume taking his gun. Then we see two people dressed like Siamese twins, from the waist down, loading their guns with their hands. Then we see the same little kid from the beginning of the movie in the gas station putting water into his water gun. Mercutio walks over to the attendant at the hut takes off his clothes except for his silver dress. He gets his bra and gun back that he put in the car.
After he straps his bra back on and puts his gun in it he walks back to Leo. As he walks over to Leo, chicken noises are heard in the background.
Mercutio grabs Leo's shirt and they leave. As they leave, Leo continues to look at Juliet and dramatic music continues to play in the background. They walk through the gate, where people in costumes are hanging out to Mercutio's car where Sampson and Gregory are singing the song they sung earlier in the movie at the gas station. As this all happens, Leo continues to look at the mansion. We cut to Juliet who is at a window at the top of the house. She looks at Leo. Leo looks at Juliet which causes Juliet to run away. Leo and Mercutio go into the car while Leo is still fixated on Juliet. Juliet walks to another window at the mansion and looks at Leo. As Leo is looking at Juliet, Benvolio, Mercutio, Sampson, and Gregory are all singing the song Sampson and Gregory sang at the beginning of the movie at the gas station. Juliet walks out of the mansion. Wind starts blowing in her face and she starts talking. As the wind blows in her face, a piece of paper blows behind her. After the peice of paper blows away, the guy who was holding the stop sign that caused Leo to stop walks in holding a sign that says "a cow was supposed to be in this scene next but we don't have the money to make a cgi cow so we'll just have to do this." After a few seconds, he relaxes and lets go of the sign with his left hand. This causes the sign to blow away. Then he runs after it.
JULIET
My only love sprung from my only hate, too early seen unknown and known too late.
In slow motion, Leo, still in the car, looks back at Juliet.
JULIET (V.O.)
Prodigious birth of love it is to me....
We cut back to Juliet with the wind still blowing in her
hair. She looks really scared that she can't bring herself
to hate Leo because he's a Montague.
JULIET
That I must love a loathed enemy!
After she gives her speech, Peter, who is one of the servants that just so happens to be holding one of those handheld fans, turns the fan off. In slow motion, Leo and his friends drive away from the mansion. Then we cut to the mansion. People are still hanging around the mansion talking. Teebult walks out of the gate looking at the Montague’s madly. He is now wearing a shirt that says "I like to talk to myself".
TEEBULT
I will withdraw. But this intrusion shall, now seeming sweet, convert to bitterest gal. Now back, movie, lead us to where ye shall go on.
We cut to the guys in Mercutio's car. In the background, the guys continue to sing but this time spy music plays in the background as Leo looks around. He decides to get off the car and go back to Capulet Mansion. He gets up and jumps out of the car. The guys see this and begin shouting his name. As soon as we see them just standing there shouting his name, the spy music starts to skip in parts like a broken record. Mercutio, who's now wearing a jacket, starts to walk away from the car at a little distance.
MERCUTIO
Romeo! Humors! Madman! Passion! Lover!
Leo runs away out of their sight. Mercutio is now opening his arms trying to get Leo to come back.
MERCUTIO
I conjure thee by Cameron's four
Oscars, by his white hair and
goatee, by his crooked smile,
squinty eyes, and narrow face. And
the demesnes that there adjacent
lie, That in thy likeness thou
appear to us!
He looks at the guys annoyed that Leo's not responding back to them. Then he looks back where he was looking.
MERCUTIO
O Romeo, that he were, O that he were An open-arse and thou a poperin pear!
Mercutio still doesn't hear a response from Leo. He then gives up and jumps back into the car because he's brave but he's not stupid.
MERCUTIO
Come, shall we go?
The guys drive away.
Juliet is hanging around the wall of Capulet Mansion sad that Leo is indeed a Montague. She is venting about how she and Leo can't get together just because he's a Montague.
JULIET
Romeo, O Romeo! wherefore art thou Romeo?
This causes her to sigh and look down. As she does this, Leo comes and stands right next to her.
JULIET
Deny thy father and refuse thy name; Or, if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love, And I'll no longer be a Capu---.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
Shall I hear more, or shall I speak at this?
This causes Juliet to get annoyed that she was interrupted. Then she turns around and looks at Leo.
JULIET
Citizen, thou can't thy see thee hath need a moment to beeth, to think, to speak from thy soul that plucks within thyself? Ay, for 'tis I hath to say stuff thee can't say in diary, in blog, but in voice.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
Pardon my intrusion, your lady, but the beauty of yee distracted thee.
Leo walks behind Juliet. Juliet sighs and starts talking again.
JULIET
'Tis but thy name that is my enemy; Thou art thyself, though
not a Montague. What's Montague?
it is nor hand, nor foot, Nor arm,
nor face, nor any other part
Belonging to a man. O, be some
other name! What's in a name? that
which we call a rose By any other
word would smell as sweet; So
Romeo would, were he not Romeo
call'd, Retain that dear
perfection which he owes Without
that title. O Romeo, doff thy
name, And for that name which is
no part of thee Take all myself.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
I take thee at thy word.
Juliet gets startled by his voice. She turns around and sees Leo which causes her to scream and step back while flailing her arms. She then falls into a forest that's behind her. Leo runs after her and jumps in the forest.
INT. SECURITY GUARD'S OFFICE - NIGHT
A security guard is watching at Capulet Mansion through camera tapes. He sees Juliet and Leo in the forest but decides not to help her.
SECURITY GUARD
Thy duty as a knight of Capulet tells thee to roam the mansion to
save Juliet, dear daughter of the lord himself, but thy soul tells
thee to stay.
EXT. CAPULET MANSION - NIGHT
Leo and Juliet are rolling around in the forest having fun. They stop. They start to kiss each other but then Juliet turns her head away causing Leo to just kiss her neck.
JULIET
Art thou not Romeo and a Montague?
Leo moves a little closer to her struck at her beauty.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
Neither, fair maid, if either thee dislike.
Juliet gets up and walks away from the forest. This causes Leo to run after her.
JULIET
How camest thou hither, tell me, and wherefore? The garden walls are high and hard to climb, And the place death, considering who thou art, If any of my kinsmen find thee here.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
With love's light wings did I o'er-perch these walls; For stony limits cannot hold love out, And what love can do that dares love attempt; Therefore thy kinsmen are no let to me.
Juliet turns around and looks at him worried.
JULIET
If they do see thee, they will murder thee.
Leo takes a step towards her and looks deep in her eyes.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
I have night's cloak to hide me from their eyes, And but thou love me, let them find me here: My life were better ended by their hate, Than death prorogued, wanting of
thy love.
JULIET
Thou know'st the mask of night is
on my face, Else would a maiden
blush bepaint my cheek For that
which thou hast heard me speak
to-night Fain would I dwell on
form, fain, fain deny What I have
spoke: but farewell compliment!
Dost thou love me? I know thou
wilt say 'Ay,' And I will take thy
word: yet if thou swear'st, Thou
mayst prove false. O gentle Romeo,
If thou dost love, pronounce it
faithfully...
LEONARDO DICAPRIO (WHILE HE'S TALKING, HE LOOKS AT THE SIDE THEN LOOKS AT THE SKY THEN LOOKS AT JULIET)
Lady, by yonder blessed moon I swear That tips with silver all these fruit-tree tops--
JULIET
O, swear not by the moon, the inconstant moon, That monthly changes in her circled orb, Lest that thy love prove likewise variable.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
Well what shall I swear by?
JULIET
Do not swear at all; Or, if thou wilt, swear by thy gracious self, Which is the god of my idolatry, And I'll believe thee.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
If my heart's dear love---.
JULIET
Well, do not swear. Although I joy
in thee, I have no joy of this
contract tonight. It is too rash,
too unadvised, too sudden; Too
like the lightning, which doth
cease to be Ere one can say 'it
lightens.' Sweet, good night. This
bud of love, by summer's ripening
breath, May prove a beauteous
flower when next we meet. Good
night, good night. As sweet
repose and rest Come to thy heart
as that within my breast.
They go close to each other and kiss. As they kiss, an off-screen audience goes "Whoo" like what usually happens in an old 90's sitcom when two people kiss. However, Juliet sees what she's doing and breaks away from Romeo causing dramatic music to start in the background again. Then she starts to run away from Leo.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
O, wilt thou leave me unsatisfied?
Juliet stops. She turns around and looks at Leo.
JULIET
What satisfaction canst thou have tonight?
Leo smirks.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
The exchange of thy love's faithful vow for mine.
Juliet smiles and goes back to Leo.
JULIET
I gave thee mind before thou didst request it!
Leo and Juliet start kissing again. The audience are about to say "woo" again but then they are shot off-screen. Suddenly, Nurse, inside the mansion, walks to one of the windows and opens it.
NURSE
Juliet!
This causes Leo and Juliet to stop kissing. Juliet looks at Nurse then she looks back at Leo.
JULIET
Three words, dear Romeo, and good
night indeed. If that thy bent of
love be honorable. Thy purpose
marriage, send me word tomorrow,
By one that I'll procure to come
to thee, Where and what time thou
wilt perform the rite, And all my
fortunes at thy foot I'll lay And
follow thee my lord throughout the
world.
Leo starts to get nervous because she's asking him to marry her even though they just met.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
Thy canst just date?
JULIET
Thy canst just date 'cause thy date hath not appeared in the source material.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
Ay but 'tis must think of when the source that rules our fate was written.
JULIET
Ay, but lord Baz too high. Now if thou love is honorable, thy plot hole shall not affect thee.
Leo smiles.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
Ay, Moulin Rouge hath taken over my soul, blinding me of thy plot hole.
She smiles back at him. Then they see the Bat signal in the sky except instead of having the Batman symbol it has Juliet's name on it. She looks at Nurse, who is off-screen.
JULIET
By and by I come!
She leaves Leo and starts walking towards the mansion. As she walks towards the mansion, she looks at Leo.
JULIET
To cease thy strife and leave me to my grief.
She stops and looks at Leo.
JULIET
Tomorrow will I send.
She turns around and walks up the stairs to the top of the mansion. Leo flies
to the mansion then grabs onto the pole at the top. Juliet
looks at him and he looks at Juliet.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
A thousand times the worse,
to want thy light.
They smile at each other and kiss. Suddenly, Nurse walks to Juliet holding a megaphone and shouts "Juliet" into the megaphone even though Juliet is right in front of her. Leo and Juliet look at each other knowing they have to leave each other. Suddenly, Leo let's go of the poles and drops down to the bottom of the mansion. However, he has suddenly turned into a dummy. Then he lands on a pad. After that, he turns back into a human and gets up from the pad. He then dusts himself off. Then he starts walking away from the mansion. In the background, Nurse takes the dummy away then leaves.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
Love goes toward love as schoolboys from their books; But love from love, toward school with heavy looks.
JULIET (V.O.)
Romeo!
Leo turns around to see Juliet still standing at the top of the mansion.
JULIET
What o'clock tomorrow Shall I send to thee?
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
By the hour of nine.
JULIET
Now I shalt giveth thee a necklace to pad thy action.
She takes out a necklace and drops it towards the ground. Leo then runs to where the necklace is dropping and grabs it. Then he looks at Juliet and smiles at her. She smiles back at him. Then we use the last part of the scene from the actual film this is parodying where Nurse, who is obviously a puppet, is rocking back and forth calling Juliet to come back in while screaming her name.
INT. CAPULET MANSION - NIGHT
We go inside the room with Nurse calling. As it turns out, it really was a puppet of Nurse going back and forth. We see the back of the puppet. In the back, it is revealed that a tape recorder is playing Juliet's name over and over again as Nurse is helping to make the puppet move by being it's puppeteer.
EXT. CHURCH - DAY
We pan over to the top of a church while "Beautiful Day" by U2 plays. As the song "Beautiful Day" continues to play, we cut to the street with the cars on the road then back into shots of more sides of the church. Then we finally see Leo run inside the church.
INT. MINE- DAY
Friar Lawrence, a kind but cowardly priest who helps Leo and Juliet,just so happens to be topless in this scene. In the scene, he is in a mine using a pitchfork to dig for gold. As he does this he is also wearing a stereotypical miner helmet and jeans. He is also wearing a cross around his neck because he is, in fact, a priest. He bends over to the mine and takes out a piece of gold then examines it. This causes him to start talking about the meaning of life. As he is talking, two little kids dressed in suits are beating up Ari Gold for getting them a role in this movie.
FRIAR LAWRENCE
'Tis a living soul can't relate on
much but if there hath be one
thing we hath relate to, one thing
to rig us all in, it 'tis the
meaning of life: why hath God
brought us down only to take thee
back to thy core? Thy heavens? Thy
life seems meaningless when thou
think. So what 'tis the meaning of
life? Why bring us down only to
bring us back up? Ay, 'tis such a
question hath made me wonder about
the meaning of life. But, ahh,
'tis thinks he found an answer.
So, what thou is thy meaning of
life? Of existence? Thou meaning
of life be whether or not thee get
an intro. If thy lucky to first
appear, than thou shalt get an
intro. But if thy not lucky to
first appear, then thou can't get
an intro! So, if thou beest first,
then thou shalt get an intro! But
if thou can't beest first, then
thou shalt not get an intro! If
thou a star, shimmering in the
sky, then thou not needeth an
intro.
Friar Lawrence turns around and looks at the children. He smirks happily.
FRIAR LAWRENCE (excited)
What early tongue so sweet saluteth me?
The children look at each other then run away for their lives. As they are running, Leo walks in towards Friar Lawrence.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
Good morrow!
FRIAR LAWRENCE
Young son, it argues a distempered head so soon to bid good morrow to thy bed.
He turns around away from Leo. Then Friar Lawrence realizes Leo hasn't gone to sleep so he turns around to look at him. As he starts to talk, he puts his shirt on.
FRIAR LAWRENCE
Or if not so, then here I hit it right, our Romeo hath not been in bed tonight.
INT. BOTTOM OF CHURCH - DAY
Leo and Friar Lawrence are walking down the stairs as Friar Lawrence is heading towards the bottom of the church.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
The last is true. The sweeter rest was mine.
This causes Friar Lawrence to stop walking and look at Leo.
FRIAR LAWRENCE
God pardon sin! Wast thou with Comerun?
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
Comerun?! My ghostly father, no! I shant sleepeth with two of the same!
They walk all the way down the stairs. As they walk, they start to talk again.
FRIAR LAWRENCE
That's my good son! But where
hast thou been then?
Leo and Friar Lawrence walk towards the opening of the church. They pass it and go to the coat rack so the friar can get his cassock. As they walk, Leo talks to the friar.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
I have been feasting with mine
enemy, Where on a sudden one hath
wounded me. That's by me wounded.
Both our remedies Within they help
and holy physic lies.
Friar Lawrence gets the cassock out of his closet and puts it on.
FRIAR LAWRENCE
Be plain, good son, and homely in
thy drift. Riddling confession
finds but riddling shrift.
As he puts it on, Leo leans against a wall and talks about how much he loves Juliet.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
Then plainly know my heart's dear love is set, On the fair daughter of rich Capulet. We met, we wooed, and made exchange of vow, I'll tell thee as we pass. But this I pray, That thou consent to marry us today.
Friar Lawrence finds it disgusting that he and Juliet want to marry seeing how young they are.
FRIAR LAWRENCE (ANGRY)
Ay, but 'tis you, lustful, young Romeo but 17?!
We see one of the boys from the mine lighting a candle getting ready for mass.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
Ay, I hath be 17.
FRIAR LAWRENCE
And 'tis she, innocent, young Juliet but 13?!
We cut to a statue of Virgin Mary with her ear against the wall looking like she's listening in on the conversation. We cut back to Leo and Friar Lawrence. Friar Lawrence looks at Leo then rolls his eyes. He walks away from Leo but Leo runs up to him and stops him by putting his hand on his shoulder.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
Ay, but marry us, join us, respond
happily to our consent, it shalt
turn our households rancor into
love. Plus, thy marriage shalt
give us an excuse to give liberty
unto thine of eyes of thy
villagers.
This suddenly gets Friar Lawrence interested in doing it. We cut to a choir leader leading the choir boys, about 7 kids who are standing together in a choir loff, while they sing the Montage song from "Team America".
CHOIR
The hours approaching, to give it
your best you've got to reach your
prime. That's when you need to put
yourself to the test and show us a
passage of time! Were going to
need a montage (montage)! Ooh it
takes a montage (montage)!
INT. FOOTAGE FROM THE BEGINNING OF THE MOVIE - DAY
Then we see a scene from the beginning of the movie when the gas station was burning.
CHOIR (SINGING O.S.)
Sure a lot of things happening at
once,---.
INT. RICKROLL - DAY
In slow motion, we see Rick Astley in the music video dancing slowly as the two girls dance behind him.
CHOIR (SINGING O.S.)
Remind everyone what's going on (what's going on)!
EXT. CAPULET MANSION - DAY
Outside of the Capulet Mansion, Mercutio, now in his normal white shirt and dreadlocks, Sampson, and Gregory are throwing eggs at Capulet Mansion in slow motion.
INT. BOTTOM OF CHURCH - DAY
Friar Lawrence is standing proudly as he realizes he has to do it to break the Montague and Capulet's feud. As he is standing, the newspaper clip saying "Ancient Grudge" passes the screen.
FRIAR LAWRENCE (V.O.)
For this alliance may so happy prove...
INT. NEWSPAPER CLIPPING - DAY
There is a newspaper clipping that says, in a huge black font, "Montague & Capulet reconcile". The picture that accompanies the newspaper is a parody of the famous WW2
picture where a soldier is seen kissing his girlfriend. Instead, Fulgenio is shown kissing Ted. At the bottom of the newspaper, it just says "squiggle" over and over again.
FRIAR LAWRENCE (O.S.)
To turn your household’s rancor---.
EXT. CAPULET MANSION - DAY
We see a burning bag on the doorstep of Capulet Mansion. Nurse opens the door only to find the burning bag on the floor. This causes her to freak out and stomp on the bag.
INT. FIREWORKS - DAY
We see a shot of fireworks from the party.
INT. CHURCH - DAY
Friar Lawrence is imagining Leo and Juliet standing at the altar kissing. A film technician runs in trying to throw a stuffed bird into the camera. He picks it up and throws it in the air but it falls again.
FRIAR LAWRENCE (V.O.)
Into pure love.
INT. FOOTAGE FROM THE MOVIE - DAY
We see the cgi heart with the spikes in it as doves fly by from the movie followed by more fireworks.
INT. CHURCH – DAY
The choir are still standing in the church loff but now they are singing about how strange the montage is rather than the montage song. The camera is mostly focused on the middle choir boy who is black.
CHOIR
Someone! is on drugs!
CUT TO:
Leo and Friar Lawrence. Friar Lawrence has finally made a decision. He looks at Leo.
FRIAR LAWRENCE
Come, young waverer, come, go with
me. In one respect I'll thy
assistant be. For this alliance
may so happy prove to turn your
households' rancor to pure love.
After Leo hears he will get married to Juliet after all, he gets excited.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
O, let us hence! I stand on sudden haste.
He runs but trips on a big candle which causes him to fall and have the big candle go on top of him. This causes a laugh track to start up in the background. Friar Lawrence just smirks at this sight.
FRIAR LAWRENCE
Wisely and slow. They stumble that run fast.
Friar Lawrence leaves. Leo just stands there and smirks happily. Then he looks at the choir who are about to sign the song "We gotta have a montage". Suddenly, the choir leader comes back holding a stick. He bangs the stick on the loff. The next montage song is about to be performed which is called "We gotta have a montage".
CHOIR (SINGING)
It don't matter if it have to do with the plot...
INT. FOOTAGE FROM THE MOVIE - DAY
We see most of the footage from the movie where we see Friar Lawrence performing mass. We see such shots as the walls of the church and the people standing up. The only part that isn't from the movie is when Friar Lawrence is on screen performing mass where the actor will recreate the Friar's actions.
CHOIR (SINGING)
It don't matter if it have no heart! It don't matter if it's relevant!
'Cause we gotta do it every five seconds! Oh ho ho!
INT. VERONA BEACH - DAY
We cut to an old man in a Speedo walking out of a changing room at a beach. He looks at the camera and tries to bring the camera closer to him.
CHOIR (SINGING O.S.)
We gotta have a montage!
Then we cut to a woman who looks like she's 50 smoking a cigarette. She has a name tag on her but under the name tag it says, "I'm only 26...really!". She doesn't look like she's really having fun smoking the cigarette.
CHOIR (SINGING O.S.)
We must have a montage...every five seconds!
Then, as we hear a sound that sounds like a record getting scratched, we use the footage from the movie where it pans over to a sign that says "The Merchant of Verona Beach" which has a figure of Christ on it.
CHOIR (SINGING O.S.)
That must be the 1,00th religious symbol that we've seen...and the lamest visual ever to boot!
We then cut to a picture that has Joe Camel dressed like he's going ice skating. Under Joe, it says "the most controversial role model will be on Dancing with the stars". If that isn't enough, the screen is now in green tint.
CHOIR (SINGING O.S.)
We don't know what that's needed for! And to make things better, we put it in green...
Then we use footage from the movie where the screen is now in a purple tint. On the screen we pan over to a sign that says "Shoot forth thunder" with a bullet under it and a logo that says "Thunder Bullets".
CHOIR (SINGING O.S.)
And purple!
Then we see the footage of the movie where the camera shakes around town while the screen is tinted in orange.
CHOIR (SINGING O.S.)
And orange! That's riiiiiiiiiiiiight!
We cut to people at a restaurant near the beach. They are all waving and holding signs that say "Please put us in your next movie". The screen is still tinted orange.
CHOIR (SINGING O.S.)
We could just have used footage of these people...but then that wouldn't be much
fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuun.
We cut to Sampson and Gregory hanging out on the beach smoking.
CHOIR (SINGING O.S.)
Hey look, it's fat man and little
boyoy!
We use some more footage of the movie where, after we see that shot, we see more people on the beach having fun then we cut to the road where we hear that record scratching sound again only to cut to a bunch of girls with Mercutio dancing to the choir's montage song on the radio. They stop by Benvolio, who is on his cell phone looking for Leo. He is also wearing Stewie Griffin-like suspenders but he is still not wearing a shirt. Mercutio gets out of the car and walks to Benvolio. Then the girls drive away. Benvolio gets discouraged and turns off his cell phone.
MERCUTIO
Came he not home tonight?
Benvolio sighs heavily then starts to leave. He is followed by Mercutio.
BENVOLIO
Not to his father's. I spoke with his man.
Mercutio and Benvolio walk onto the beach.
MERCUTIO
Why, that same pale hard-hearted wench, that Comerun, Torments him so that he will sure run mad.
BENVOLIO (V.O.)
Teebult hath sent a letter to his father's house.
This gets Mercutio's attention and causes him to stop. Mercutio is quite amused by this.
MERCUTIO
A challenge, on my life.
Benvolio walks in unsure that this is a very good thing.
BENVOLIO
Romeo will answer it?
MERCUTIO
Any man that can write can answer a letter. Though Romeo, look he good, shant win for Comerun hath caught him and grasped his soul.
Benvolio isn't very comfortable with Mercutio saying that Leo looks good because he knows that Mercutio is into Leo.
BENVOLIO
Romeo, look he good? Now, I hath no problem with one who loves two loins of the same: but you hath love my cousin too much without him answered back then I, whether
you Montague or Capulet, shalt quarrel with you! Besides, hast thou not lost attraction to Romeo when he hast no attraction to you?
Mercutio smirks.
MERCUTIO
What shalt go on in the Capulet Mansion shalt stay in the Capulet mansion!
Benvolio gets angry at Mercutio for what he said.
BENVOLIO
Then let us hence!
Benvolio throws a punch at Mercutio in slow motion however Mercutio ducks causing Benvolio to miss. This causes the Mortal Kombat theme to start in the background. Mercutio, crouched down, spring’s fire from his hands which hit Benvolio's hair but Benvolio ducks. Then Benvolio swings his leg towards Mercutio but Mercutio jumps up causing Benvolio to miss him. This in turn causes Benvolio to twist around which causes him to hit Mercutio in the butt. Then Mercutio, recovering from getting hit in the arse, leaves only to come running back in holding a chair which he will hit Benvolio with. Then, as Mercutio is about to hit him with the chair, Benvolio grabs the chair and spins Mercutio around in fast motion. After they spin, Mercutio grabs the chair and throws it away. Then he charges toward Benvolio and grabs him by the ear which causes the Mortal Kombat theme to stop.
MERCUTIO
Run through the ear with a love song.
(in disgust)
And is he a man to encounter Teebult?
BENVOLIO
Why, what is Teebult?
He lets go of Teebult.
MERCUTIO
More than a prince of cats, I can tell you.
He takes out his guns and jumps up and down looking like he
is shooting something even though he's not actually shooting
anything.
MERCUTIO
O, he's the courageous captain of compliments.
He stops jumping up and down then points his gun at Benvolio.
MERCUTIO
The very butcher of a silk button.
Benvolio grabs his second gun and they twirl Mercutio's guns on their fingers. Then they stop and point their guns at each other. Then they throw each other the gun and start twirling that gun with their fingers. This gets the attention of everybody at the beach. They all look at them. Mercutio, now having the two guns in his hand, shows Benvolio the guns. Benvolio points to the gun on his left hand. Mercutio then puts the guns behind his back. He then reveals his hands to show the guns are no longer there. This causes Benvolio, who has the guns on top of his head, to get excited. Mercutio takes the guns off of Benvolio's head.
MERCUTIO
A duelist, a duelist.
Benvolio sees Leo coming.
BENVOLIO
Here comes Romeo, here comes Romeo!
Leo, now having a pipe in his mouth, gets wooed by all the guys on the beach because he's acting like he scored with someone. Balthazar goes up to him.
BALTHAZAR
Romayo!
They high five each other. Benvolio and Mercutio walk up to Leo, happy that they have finally found him.
MERCUTIO
Signor Romeo, Bonjour. There's a French salutation to your French slop. You gave us the counterfeit fairly last night.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
Good morrow to you both. What counterfeit did I give you?
MERCUTIO
The slip, sir, the slip. Can you not conceive?!
Mercutio walks away from Leo. Leo walks after him followed by Benvolio.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
Pardon, good Mercutio. My business was great!
Leo runs over to Sampson and Gregory who are just hanging out. Mercutio looks at him.
MERCUTIO (sarcastically)
And in such a case as mine a man may strain courtesy.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
A most courteous exposition.
Sampson, Gregory, and Benvolio hold up signs that say "10" and snicker at Mercutio because he got served. Mercutio gets excited and starts hassling Leo as they go onto the beach.
MERCUTIO
Now art thou sociable!
Leo breaks away from Mercutio and starts to run away from him. This causes Mercutio to run towards him.
MERCUTIO
Now art thou Romeo! Now art thou line stealing! Now art thou...
Mercutio grabs Leo and throws him to the ground. Then they start wrestling. As they are wresting, the camera turns on the back of Nurse who is wearing an all red suit with a red poncho over it. Behind her is Peter, the servant, holding an umbrella.
MERCUTIO
What thou art, by art as well as by nature.
They stop as soon as they see Nurse. Now we see the front of Nurse. It is revealed that she is wearing ridiculously big sunglasses.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO (V.O.)
Here's goodly gear.
They get up and brush themselves off. Mercutio also lays his arm on Leo. They look at Nurse.
MERCUTIO
God ye good e'en bad gentlewoman.
We cut back to Nurse's face. She looks at Leo.
NURSE
I desire some confidence with you.
Leo walks to her. Then they start to walk away from Mercutio as "Another generic punk song for the soundtrack" plays in the background. Mercutio gasps at the sight of this. However, Leo and Nurse continue to walk as the guys snicker in the background.
MERCUTIO (O.S.)
A bawd, a bawd!
We cut back to the guys(Benvolio, Sampson, Gregory, and Mercutio) laughing hysterically at the sight of Nurse and Leo. Then we cut to Leo and Nurse walking as a bunch of other people on the beach walk in their way. As they are walking, all the guys say "So ho" in the background. We cut to the guys who are still saying "So ho" while Mercutio gets nervous because he has to tell Romeo something. This causes Mercutio to step forward so he can speak to Leo who is off-screen. He shouts Romeo. It doesn't work. He tries to shout his name again. It still doesn't work. After this, he takes his gun out and shoots his gun up into the sky. As he does this, the guys continue to laugh at him in the background. However, when Mercutio does shoot the gun it causes a toy plane to fall behind him. It also causes Leo and two tourists to look at him strangely. Then we cut back to Mercutio.
MERCUTIO
What thou hath happened to Nurse?
Leo steps forward.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
She be in the next shot!
We cut to an outside shot. In the outside shot, we see the guys back on the beach looking at Leo. We also Nurse and Peter near Leo.
MERCUTIO (MOCKINGLY)
Farewell, ancient lady. Farewell!
The guys start to walk toward the ocean. However, Leo remembers that he also has to ask Mercutio something.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
Mercutio!
Mercutio ignores him. He frets and tries again.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO (SHOUTS)
Mercutio!
Mercutio continues to ignore him. This causes Leo to take out his gun. He looks at a seagull that's near him. We cut to Mercutio. Off-screen, we hear Leo kill the seagull. This causes Mercutio and the guys to stop what they are doing and look at Leo. We cut back to Leo who's putting the gun in his pocket.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
Didst thou touch thy balls when thou were quarreling with thy?
Mercutio gets nervous because he doesn't really want to answer this. He looks at the guy and decides to change the topic.
MERCUTIO
Let us hence!
He runs away while the guys walk after him. We cut back to Leo who's rolling his eyes. After he rolls his eyes, he turns toward Nurse who pushes him on the wall then takes her sunglasses off. She looks at him madly.
NURSE
If ye should lead her in a fool's paradise, as they say, it were a very gross kind of
behavior, as they say. For the gentlewoman is young; and therefore, if you should deal double with her, truly it were an ill thing and very weak dealing.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
Bid her to come to confession this
afternoon, And there she shall at
Friar Lawrence's cell Be shrived
and
(PUSH IN ON: Romeo)
married.
Nurse smiles which causes the song "love me, love me" to play in the background. However, Teebult's car suddenly crashes in causing that song to stop playing and the dance fight song from West Side Story to play in the background. This causes Leo and Nurse to look at Teebult's car. The guys, who are at the sea fishing by shooting at the water, stops what they are doing and look at the car. Mercutio is so interested in the Capulet car he accidentally shoots his gun into the sea. Two tourists are looking at them.
TOURIST HUSBAND
I know I shouldn't question other cultures but...what is with these people and guns? I mean, do they really have to shoot the ocean just to fish? Also, why are they so afraid of this car? Is it the music in the background?
TOURIST WIFE
And who lets people drive cars onto the beach?
Teebult walks out of the car followed by TCFKAA and random unibrow servant. TCFKAA looks at a kid nearby. Off-screen, we hear TCFKAA shoots him. Benvolio then gets worried seeing The Capulets. Sampson and Gregory look around scared. Gregory hides his head remembering what Teebult did to him in the opening sequence.
BENVOLIO
By my head, here comes The Capulets.
We see the same shot of them coming out of the car that Benvolio just saw. Mercutio just smirks thinking he's better than The Capulets.
MERCUTIO
By my heel, I care not.
While West Side Story-ish music plays in the background, Teebult, TCFKAA, and random unibrow servant point their guns at the floor and shoot the floor as they slowly walk up to The Montague’s. The guns are replacing the snapping fingers. Then suddenly Benvolio, Mercutio, Sampson, and Gregory get up and take out their guns. They point them down to the floor and shoot the ground as they walk up towards The Capulets. They stop when they are facing each other.
TEEBULT
Gentlemen, good day. A word with one of you.
Mercutio, being cocky, looks directly at him and smirks.
MERCUTIO
And but one word with one of us? Couple it with something. Make it a word and a...
He leans closer to Teebult, looking at him ferociously.
MERCUTIO
...blow.
He laughs causing all the other guys to laugh with him. Mercutio then does a victory dance like he just scored a touchdown. Teebult, however, continues to look unimpressed.
TEEBULT (FURIOUS)
You shall find me apt enough to that, sir, and you will give me occasion.
Mercutio is walking away from him giving him the finger with both hands.
MERCUTIO
Could you not take some occasion without giving?
This causes everyone at the beach to laugh at Teebult again. Teebult, however is really angry.
TEEBULT (REALLY ANGRY)
Mercutio, thou consortest with(cracks his voice)Romeo.
Close on: Mercutio. He turns around and looks at Teebult.
MERCUTIO
Consort? How dare yea consort!
He takes out his gun and walks towards him as he shoots his gun to the ground while West Side Story fight music continues in the background.
MERCUTIO (ANGRY)
What, dost thou make us minstrels? And thou make minstrels of us look to hear nothing
but discords. Here's my fiddlestick.
Teebult is also walking toward him shooting the ground while West Side Story fight music plays in the background. As they are marching towards each other, about to fight, Leo suddenly runs in which causes them to lose their guard and stop.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
Teebult, the reason that I have to love thee...Doth much excuse the
appertaining rage! To such a greeting: villain am I none, Therefore farewell. I see thou knowest me not.
Mercutio pushes Leo to the ground.
MERCUTIO
O calm, dishonorable, vile submission!
Mercutio and Teebult, while shooting their guns to the floor, walk towards each other which causes West Side Story fight music to play in the background.
MERCUTIO
Teebult, you rat catcher, will you walk?
Leo tries to get up but is pushed down by TCFKAA. As this happens, Leo actually looks like he doesn't want Teebult to kill Mercutio. This causes the subtitle "Expression" to appear at the bottom of the screen. We cut back to Mercutio and Teebult still walking towards each other shooting the ground while West Side Story music plays in the background.
TEEBULT
What wouldst thou have with me?
Leo tries to get back up but TCFKAA and random unibrow servant grab him. This causes Leo to try to wriggle himself out of their hands. As this happens, he has absolutely no expression on his face causing the subtitle "No expression" to appear on the bottom of the screen. We cut back to Teebult and Mercutio still exchanging in their West Side Story-ish duel of wits.
MERCUTIO
Good King of Cats, nothing but one of your nine lives.
They stop.
TEEBULT
I am for you.
He points his gun toward Mercutio and shoots it. As soon as Mercutio sees this, he ducks which is bad because Gregory is right behind him. Thinking fast, Gregory pulls Mercutio towards him and Mercutio ends up getting hit by the bullet. As soon as Mercutio gets hit by the bullet, he starts wriggling out of his arms and falling towards the ground in slow motion as the song "The Rose" plays in the background. This causes Leo to wriggle out of TCFKAA and random unibrow servant's arms and run towards Mercutio. He is actually looking sad that Mercutio is dying causing the subtitle "Expression" to appear on the bottom.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
Forbear this outrage, good Mercutio!
Teebult just smiles, glad he just killed someone. He looks down at Mercutio.
TEEBULT
I looketh better than thou in drag!
Benvolio, Leo, and Sampson rush to Mercutio's aid.
BENVOLIO
Art thou hurt?
MERCUTIO
Ay, ay, (he coughs)a scratch!
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
Courage, man. The hurt cannot be much.
Mercutio grabs Leo by the shirt and looks at him angrily.
MERCUTIO
'Twill serve. Ask for me tomorrow and you shall find me a grave man.
He lets go of Leo and looks up at the sky.
MERCUTIO
A plague o'both your houses!
We cut to the sky. The sun is starting to set.
MERCUTIO (O.S. SHOUTING)
A plague o'both your houses!
We cut to Mercutio on the sand dying. He finally closes his eyes.
INT. BLACK AND WHITE MOVIE FOOTAGE - DAY
We cut to footage of an audience in a black and white movie clapping because they are probably happy that Mercutio is dead or happy that it was such a tense scene.
INT. VERONA BEACH - NIGHT
It is suddenly night. Mercutio's friends are still by his side as Mercutio lays down on the beach dead. Leo is crying the hardest because he feels he is responsible for Mercutio's death. He stops sobbing and sees Mercutio's gun. He looks at Teebult who is celebrating Mercutio's death with his friends. He looks back at Mercutio's gun and takes it out of his hands then looks at the gun.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
Oh sweet Juliet, Thy beauty hath made me effeminate and in my
temper softened valor's steel!
INT. JULIET'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Juliet is sitting on her bed with posters of Leonardo Dicaprio movies all over her. She is cutting a picture of herself standing next to Teebult at Disney World.
JULIET
Come gentle night, coming loving black browed night, Give me my
Romeo. And when I shall die, Take him and cut him out in little stars,---.
She finishes cutting her head off of the picture then takes out glue and glues it over Joe Mantegna's head on the poster of the movie, Celebrity. On the poster, she has glued pictures of her head on all of the heads on the poster except Leo's picture who is in the middle of the poster. There are also posters of Titanic (with Juliet's head where Kate Winslet's head should be) and Blood Diamond(with her head where Dijmon Hounsou's head should be). As she does this, she talks.
JULIET
And he will make the face of heaven so fine that all the world will be in love with night, and pay no worship to the garish sun.
INT. VERONA BEACH - NIGHT
Leo gets up and walks toward Teebult and his friends. This causes the other guys to look at him, curious as to where he is going. Teebult, celebrating, turns his head around and looks toward him which causes him to get scared. Leo then shoots the gun towards Teebult. The bullet hits Teebult and causes him to fall to the ground in slow motion as "The Rose" plays again.
TEEBULT (DYING)
Thou's death hath always yearned to be a carriage crash though
shalt it hath been in the movie, it 'twas be stupid.
Leo looks at Teebult dumbfounded because he can't believe what he just did. There is a thought bubble above his head realizing that killing Teebult was the wrong thing to do. It starts with a picture of two people, with dark heads and words that say, no image available standing side by side with a plus sign in-between them and an equal sign after the 2nd head. Words that say "Juliet's grandpa" and "Juliet's grandma" are under them. Then it changes to a picture of Fulgenio's head with a picture of a head that's dark that also says "No image available" on it with a plus sign separating them. Words that say "Fulgenio Capulet" and "Teebult's father" are underneath them. Then it changes to a picture of "Teebult's father", a Mexican woman who's head you can see, with a plus sign separating them and an equal sign after the Mexican woman. After the equal sign, we see Teebult's head. Words that say "Teebult's father", "cleaning lady" and "Teebult" appear under them. Then it turns into Fulgenio's head, Gloria's head and Juliet's head with a plus sign in-between Fulgenio and Gloria and an equal sign after Gloria which points to Juliet. Under Fulgenio, Gloria, and Juliet are their names. He drops the gun and looks at the sky.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
O, I am fortune's fool!
Police cars drive in followed by The Capulet and Montague's cars. Balthazar sees this and looks at Leo.
BALTHASAR
Romeo, away be gone! Stand not amazed!
Leo looks at the cars coming and runs away. The police and the two families walk out of their cars and walk towards Teebult's corpse. Gloria runs towards Teebult.
GLORIA CAPULET
Teebult!
She kneels towards Teebult and starts to cry.
GLORIA CAPULET
Teebult, my cousin, O my brother-in-law's child! O, the blood is spilled of my dear
kinsman.
Captain Prince walks toward her examining Teebult.
CAPTAIN PRINCE
Where are the vile beginners of this fray?
Benvolio walks to them sad about Mercutio and Teebult's death.
BENVOLIO
O noble Prince I can discover all The unlucky manage of this fatal brawl.
Gloria butts in mad that someone killed Teebult.
GLORIA CAPULET
Prince as thou art true, for blood of ours shed blood of Montague!
CAPTAIN PRINCE
Benvolio, who began this bloody fray?
BENVOLIO
There lies the man, slain by young Romeo, that slew thy kinsman brave Mercutio. Romeo, that spoke him fair, could not take truce with the unruly spleen of
Teebult...Deaf to peace!
Gloria, seeing Benvolio defend Leo, gets up but slips on her own puddle of tears. Then she starts crying some more.
GLORIA CAPULET (CRYING)
He is a kinsman to the Montague! I beg for justice which thou Prince
must give. Romeo slew Teebult, Romeo must not live! He speaks not
true! Affection makes him false!
CAPTAIN PRINCE
Romeo slew him, he slew Mercutio...who now the price of his dear blood doth owe?
Ted stands in.
TED MONTAGUE
Not Mercutio, prince, he was Romeo's friend: His fault concludes but what the law should end, the life of Teebult.
Captain Prince looks at Ted madly.
CAPTAIN PRINCE
It 'twas Romeo who live, not Mercutio...but, though thou offense doth not kill him, he shall be banished!
Lighting strikes. The tourists are disgusted by the fact that they are going easy on Leo.
TOURIST HUSBAND
God, the justice system in this town is crazy...if you murder a guy, you should be arrested not...
INT. FRIAR LAWRENCE'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
We cut to Leo's face, taking up half the screen-he has just heard that he is banished from Verona which he finds upsetting because now he'll be separated from Juliet.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
Banished?
Suddenly, lighting strikes again.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
Be merciful, say 'death;' For exile hath more terror in his look, much more than death: do not say 'banishment.'
Lighting strikes again. We cut to Friar Lawrence who is in white pajamas. He is looking at him angry because he is upset that he is being banished from Verona Beach even though there are worse things in life.
FRIAR LAWRENCE
Affliction is enamour'd of thy parts, and thou art wedded to calamity.
He looks at the mirror. Leo is looking down regretful about what he did. Then Friar Lawrence walks over and sits with him.
FRIAR LAWRENCE
Hence from Verona art thou banished...
Lightning strikes again and looks at the sky. Friar Lawrence is annoyed every time the word "banished" is said lightning strikes.
FRIAR LAWRENCE
Thou wast trying to speak, my lord!
He looks at Leo. He puts his arm on his trying to assure Leo that everything will be alright.
FRIAR LAWRENCE
Be patient, for the world is broad and wide.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
There is no world without Verona walls,---.
We go to his chest which has a little cross reflecting. Subtitles on the bottom say "We don't actually know what this is supposed to symbolize: we just needed more religious imagery and a close-up of Leonardo Dicaprio's chest".
LEONARDO DICAPRIO (O.S.)
But purgatory, torture, hell itself!
Then we cut back to Leo talking to Friar Lawrence telling him how he feels Verona Beach is the only place to be.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
Hence-banished is banish'd from
the world, and world's exile is
death: then banished, Is death
mis-term'd: calling death
banishment, thou cutt'st my head
off with a golden axe, and smilest
upon the stroke that murders me.
FRIAR LAWRENCE
O deadly sin! O rude
unthankfulness! Thy fault our law
calls death; but the kind prince,
Taking thy part, hath rush'd aside
the law, and turn'd that black
word death to banishment: This is
dear mercy, and thou seest it not.
We see the two of them on screen. A little kid is lying on a bed near them. Friar Lawrence and Leo, who is shirtless and has the words "look at me fangirls" embedded in red paint on his chest, hear a knock which startles them. Friar Lawrence takes the little kid and throws him into the closet.
EXT. FRIAR LAWRENCE'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Friar Lawrence, who's door is already open, looks out his door as someone continues to knock on the front door. He walks out of his bedroom into his house towards the front door. He looks at Leo who looks back at him. Suddenly, we cut to Friar Lawrence who is bringing Nurse into the house. Nurse is wearing a jacket.
NURSE
I come from Lady Juliet.
We see Leo, who continues to look at Friar Lawrence and Nurse start to look towards the door.
NURSE
Where is my lady's lord?
Friar Lawrence leads Nurse into his bedroom where we can see Leo, fully shirtless, with the words on his chest.
NURSE
Sir, o sir, death's the end of all.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
Spakest thou of Juliet? Where is
she? and how doth she? and what
says my conceal'd lady to our
cancell'd love?
NURSE
O, she says---.
Leo looks at her strangely because she keeps talking with a phony spanish accent.
NURSE
What thou so strange so vile?
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
Thou not use an accent so phony so
vile, m'lady?
Nurse sighs briefly. She then speaks again without using the accent.
NURSE
O, she says nothing, sir, but
weeps and weeps; and now falls on
her bed; and then starts up, and
Teebult calls; and then on Romeo
cries, and then down falls again.
Leo starts to cry and lays his head on the door. Friar Lawrence is in the kitchen eating Popcorn from a bag. We cut back to Leo. Suddenly, the subtitle "Oscar moment" appears on the bottom of the screen.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
As if that name, shot from the
deadly level of a gun, did murder
her; as that name's cursed hand
murdered her kinsman.
He walks to a chest with some first aid supplies on it and a mirror that says "Words" on it. He opens it to get a clown shirt with big buttons in the middle, two stripes one blue and red and a bow tie. As he does this, he looks at Leo.
FRIAR LAWRENCE
I thought thy disposition better temper'd! Thy Juliet is alive, there art thou happy!
Teebult would kill thee, but thou slew'st Teebult.
He finds the clown shirt and gives it to Nurse. Then she helps Leo put on the shirt. As this happens, Friar Lawrence continues to talk off-screen.
FRIAR LAWRENCE (O.S.)
The law that threaten'd death becomes thy friend And turns it to
exile; there art thou happy!
We cut back to Friar Lawrence who is closing the chest door.
FRIAR LAWRENCE
A pack of blessings lights up upon thy back!
He starts walking away from the chest door.
FRIAR LAWRENCE
Why rail'st thou---?
We cut to Leo crying as Nurse stands by his side.
FRIAR LAWRENCE
On thy birth, the heaven, and
earth? Since birth, and heaven,
and earth, all three do meet in
thee at once!
Nurse tries to comfort him. She gives him a ring.
NURSE
Sir, a ring she bid me give you, sir!
We cut to the ring which says "Heart". Under it, it says "Dic ring makers". Leo checks out the ring.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO (V.O.)
How well my comfort is revived by this!
We see Leo and the nurse looking at the ring. Leo kisses the ring.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
My precious.
Father Lawrence walks to them.
FRIAR LAWRENCE
Go! Get thee to thy love, ascend her chamber, hence and comfort her!
Leo gets up and starts running away but Friar Lawrence grabs him and looks at him.
FRIAR LAWRENCE
But look thou stay not till the
watch be set, for then thou canst
not pass to desert town; where
thou shalt live, till we can find
a time to blaze your marriage,
reconcile your friends, beg pardon
of the prince, and call thee back
with twenty hundred thousand times
more joy than thou went'st forth
in lamentation.
They hug but Friar Lawrence looks scared knowing this might not end well. After they hug, Leo starts to run out of the house.
FRIAR LAWRENCE
Go hence!
This causes Leo to turn around and look at Friar Lawrence.
FRIAR LAWRENCE
A horse! A horse! My kingdom for a
horse!
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
Farewell.
Friar Lawrence waves goodbye at Leo then Leo leaves.
INT. JULIET'S BEDROOM-NIGHT
Romeo and Juliet are under Juliet's covers as it is implied they are having sex. We see Romeo, who's on the top looking at Juliet, who's off-screen. He's holding a Ken Doll and takes his pants off. We cut to Juliet, who's lying on the bottom of the bed, holding a Barbie Doll. She takes the doll's shirt off. Then we cut to Leo, who's now holding a hot dog. He throws the hot dog in Juliet's direction. We cut to Juliet, who is holding a hula hoop. The hot dog goes through the hula hoop and she catches the hot dog with her mouth as a boing sound effect goes off in the background. We cut to the outside of the bed where we see that Leo and Juliet are hiding under the covers. Leo removes the covers causing them not to be covered anymore. Juliet slips away from Leo then crosses her legs. Leo changes his position to crossing his legs as well.
JULIET CAPULET
Wilt thou be gone? it is not yet near day: It was the nightingale, and not the lark,
That pierced the fearful hollow of thine ear; Nightly she sings on yon pomegranate-tree: Believe me, love, it was the nightingale.
Leo looks at the window and sees that day is approaching. He looks at Juliet sad that he can't be with her.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
It was the lark, the herald of the morn, No nightingale: look, love, what envious streaks Do lace the severing clouds in yonder east: Night's candles are burnt out, and jocund day stands tiptoe on the misty mountain tops. I must be gone and live, or stay and die.
Juliet is upset that Romeo has to leave but she realizes that he must leave.
JULIET CAPULET
It is, it is: hie hence, be gone, away! It is the lark that sings so out of tune,
Straining harsh discords and unpleasing sharps. Some say the lark makes sweet division; This doth not so, for she divideth us: Some say the lark and loathed toad change eyes, O, now I would say they had changed voices too! Since arm from arm that voice doth us affray, Hunting thee hence with hunt's-up to the day, O, now be gone; more light and light it grows.
She sighs deeply.
INT. SIGN - NIGHT
A sign says "To keep up with our ADD-riddled audience, we will pack the next 5 minutes into 5 seconds". Another subtitle under it says, "For those who are lost, we have also dubbed the dialogue in english".
INT. CAPULET MANSION - NIGHT
Fulgenio Capulet, Dave Paris, and Gloria Capulet are hanging around the stairs. Dave is talking about the possibility of marrying Juliet.
DAVE PARIS(WITH HIS DIALOGUE DUBBED OVER)
So, can I marry Juliet?
FULGENIO CAPULET(WITH HIS DIALOGUE DUBBED OVER)
Sure you can!
DAVE PARIS(WITH HIS DIALOGUE DUBBED OVER)
Hooray! When shall we marry?
FULGENIO CAPULET(WITH HIS DIALOGUE DUBBED OVER)
Monday...no. Tuesday! Nah. Wednesday! Too soon! Thursday! Ehh...Friday! Not enough time!
He gets an idea and snaps his fingers. Then he looks at Paris.
FULGENIO CAPULET(WITH HIS DIALOGUE DUBBED OVER)
Happy days! We shall marry on Happy Days!
INT. CAPULET MANSION - NIGHT
Juliet is walking down the stairs looking sad. Fulgenio starts to walk down the stairs and catches up with her.
FULGENIO CAPULET(WITH HER DIALOGUE DUBBED OVER)
Juliet, you will be marrying Paris!
JULIET(WITH HER DIALOGUE DUBBED OVER)
No, I won't!
FULGENIO CAPULET (ANGRY WITH HIS DIALOGUE DUBBED OVER)
Yes you will! Now go to your room!
INT. BATHROOM - NIGHT
There are towels laying around on desks and drawers in the bathroom. Nurse, who is wearing a bathrobe, is folding the towels. Juliet, who is also in a bathrobe, is talking to her about marrying Paris.
JULIET(WITH HER DIALOGUE DUBBED OVER)
Nurse, mom and dad want me to marry a pedophile!
NURSE(WITH HER DIALOGUE DUBBED OVER)
Marry him!
JULIET(WITH HER DIALOGUE DUBBED OVER)
Your so not my BFF anymore.
INT. CHURCH - DAY
Friar Lawrence and Juliet are standing in the church. Friar Lawrence is in his usual church attire. Juliet is pointing a gun to Friar Lawrence while she talks to him about marrying Paris.
JULIET(WITH HER DIALOGUE DUBBED OVER)
Father, my parents are trying to make me marry a pedophile!
Friar Lawrence, afraid of Juliet, takes out a flask with a potion called vial in it.
FRIAR LAWRENCE (AS HE TALKS WE SEE A PICTURE OF JULIET LYING UNCONSCIOULY ON HER BED THEN, AFTER 5 SECONDS, WE SEE A PICTURE OF DAVE AT THE ALTAR TRYING TO HOLD UP AN UNCONSCIOUS JULIET THEN WE SEE THE FAMOUS LAST SUPPER PAINTING THEN WE SEE FRIAR LAWRENCE AT A HOLIDAY PARTY DRINKING A WHOLE CARTON OF EGGNOG THEN WE SEE FULGENIO, ON THE SET OF THE MOVIE, DRINKING HEAVILY THEN WE SEE A PICTURE OF THE FAMOUS DOG ON A SKATEBOARD THEN WE SEE A PICTURE OF A STATUE OF JESUS THEN WE SEE JULIET'S EYES OPENING THEN WE SEE LEO IN DESERT TOWN SMILING THEN WE SEE JULIET SMILING THEN WE SEE THE LETTER FRIAR LAWRENCE WILL SEND TO DESERT TOWN)
Hold, then; go home, be merry,
give consent to marry Paris:
Wednesday is tomorrow: tomorrow
night look that thou lie alone;
Let not thy nurse lie with thee in
thy chamber: take thou this vial,
being then in bed, and this
distilled liquor drink thou off;
When presently through all thy
veins shall run a cold and drowsy
humor, for no pulse shall keep
his native progress, but surcease:
No warmth, no breath, shall
testify thou livest; The roses in
thy lips and cheeks shall fade
To paly ashes, thy eyes' windows
fall, Like death, when he shuts up
the day of life; Each part,
deprived of supple government,
Shall, stiff and stark and cold,
appear like death: and in this
borrow'd likeness of shrunk death
Thou shalt continue two and forty
hours, and then awake as from a
pleasant sleep. Now, when the
bridegroom in the morning comes
To rouse thee from thy bed, there
art thou dead: then, as the manner
of our country is, in thy best
robes uncover'd on the bier
Thou shalt be borne to that same
ancient vault where all the
kindred of the Capulets lie. In
the mean time, against thou shalt
awake, Shall Romeo by my letters
know our drift, and hither shall
he come: and he and I will watch
thy waking, and that very night
Shall Romeo bear thee hence to
Desert Town. And this shall free
thee from this present shame;
If no inconstant toy, nor womanish
fear, abate thy valour in the
acting it.
INT. 5 SECOND MOVIES SIGN - DAY
White words placed upon a black screen say "The End" then a
little disclaimer at the bottom says "Naw, just kidding...we
have to resolve the conflict first".
EXT. POST OFFICE - DAY
Friar Lawrence walks toward the mailbox near the post office. We see, through a close-up shot, him putting mail in the mailbox.
INT. DESERT TOWN - DAY
A mailman walks up to Leo’s trailer and puts the letter he got from Friar Lawrence under the door because the trailer doesn’t have a mailbox. Then the mailman walks back into the truck and starts driving away. The camera pans over to Leo who's dribbling a tumbleweed like it's a basketball. The mailtruck drives away through the camera than leaves. Leo starts to think that he might have seen a truck.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
Hath thou heard a truck, news from Verona?
He thinks about it then shrugs deciding he didn’t see a truck even though it just passed him.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
Nah.
INT. CAPULET MANSION - NIGHT
Juliet is standing near the bottom of the stairs in wedding attire. She lifts the wedding veil to reveal another wedding veil under it as ominous music plays in the background.
INT. JULIET'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
We cut to a religious statue in Juliet's room as ominous music plays in the background. Juliet is praying because she fears the potion might not work.
JULIET
What if this mixture do not work at all? Shall I be married then tomorrow morning?
She pauses and looks at the flask. Then Gloria walks in.
GLORIA CAPULET
What, are you busy, ho?
Quickly, Juliet hides the flask of vile away from Gloria and gets up.
GLORIA CAPULET
Need you my help?
JULIET
No, madam. We have culled such necessaries as are behoveful for our state tomorrow.
Gloria starts walking closer to Juliet causing Juliet to sit on her bed.
JULIET
For I am sure you have your hands
full all in this so sudden business.
Juliet gets settled into bed.
GLORIA CAPULET (O.S.)
Goodnight.
Juliet looks at her. Then Gloria leans on her bed.
GLORIA CAPULET
Get thee to bed, and rest, for thou hast need.
Gloria kisses her on the head then walks away from her.
JULIET
Farewell.
This causes Gloria to turn around and look at her. Juliet smiles.
JULIET
God knows when we shall meet again.
Gloria just smiles at this line.
GLORIA CAPULET
Goodnight.
Juliet smiles then frowns. Gloria turns off the lights and
leaves. As she leaves, she closes the door. The lights
reflecting off of Juliet's chest drawer cause the audience to
still be able to see Juliet. Juliet takes out the vial and opens it.
JULIET
I drink to thee.
Gloria walks back in which gets Juliet's attention and causes her to quickly close the vial and hide it under her pillow.
GLORIA CAPULET
Even if thou art a bad time, a good time, a random time, I must confess to thee---.
Gloria walks to Juliet and sits on her bed.
GLORIA CAPULET
Thou art adopted which is why thee ethnicity Irish while thy ethnicity, and your fathers, Italian. Now, what henced me to spoil this? Why, for my daughter getting married, I shalt tell the truth to thee.
Gloria gets up and looks at Juliet. She smiles.
GLORIA CAPULET
Goodnight.
Gloria leaves. Juliet takes the potion out from her pillow and is about to drink it when Gloria comes back inside. She picks up her cell phone from the floor and looks at Juliet.
GLORIA CAPULET
The cell phone of thy, once lost, hath been found!
Gloria leaves and closes the door as she leaves. Then Juliet takes the vial out from her pillow and looks at it knowing this will cause her parents to think she died. She sighs and decides to drink the vial. We see a close-up of her drinking the vial. Then we go to a shot of her drinking the vial. As she drinks, she starts
feeling weird and moves like she's choking on something.
Then she collapses on her bed.
INT. JULIET'S BEDROOM - DAY
We cut to the daytime and Juliet is still on the bed lying
in the same position. Friar Lawrence is checking her out
pretending to not know that she's still alive. He looks at
Fulgenio and Gloria, who are off-screen.
FRIAR LAWRENCE
As the custom is, In all her best
array bear her to church.
We cut to two servants helping her onto a hospital guerney.
Then in a quick take, she's on the hospital guerney with a
mustache drawn onto her face, glasses, and a cigar in her
mouth. We then cut to a guy taking a picture of her. Then we
cut to Friar Lawrence looking out a window towards the sky.
INT. DESERT TOWN - DAY
We see Leo also looking at the sky. Leo is standing next to
a sign that says "Desert Town". Under the sign it says,
"Population: This guy" then, under those words, it has an
arrow pointing towards Leo. He is talking to a vulture that is
standing on the sign because he's lonely while anti-drug
commercial music plays in the background.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
All this day an unaccustomed
spirit lifts me above the ground
with cheerful thoughts. I dreamt
my lady came and found me dead and
breathed such life with kisses in
my lips that I revived and was an
emperor. Ah me, how sweet is love
itself possessed when but love's
shadows are so rich in joy.
Suddenly, a car is driving into Desert Town while the
anti-drug commercial music starts to become more upbeat. Leo
just looks at the car suspicious of the car. We cut back to the car
driving into Desert Town. A tumbleweed almost passes by the
screen only to get run over by the car. The car continues to
drive until it runs out of gas. Then Balthazar runs out of
the car towards Leo. Leo sees Balthazar which causes him to
get excited.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
News from Verona!
He gets up and runs to Balthazar who is running towards him.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
How now, Balthazar?!
They hug each other. Then they stop hugging and Leo starts
bugging him with questions.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
Dost thou not bring me letters
from the Priest? How doth my lady?
Is my father well? How doth my
lady Juliet?! For nothing can be
ill if she be well!
Balthazar looks at him, sad, because he believes Juliet is dead.
BALTHAZAR
Then she is well and nothing can be ill.
He looks down, sad to tell Leo the news, then looks back up.
BALTHAZAR
Her body sleeps in Capulet's monument.
Leo can't believe what he's hearing.
BALTHAZAR
I saw her laid low.
Leo is getting really upset to hear that Juliet is dead. He is gasping for air because he can't believe what he just heard.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
Is it e'en so?
Balthazar tries to reassure him by stepping towards him but it causes Leo to step away from him. They continue this until Leo turns around and walks away from him causing Balthazar to walk behind him as dramatic music plays in the
background. Balthazar tries to put a hand on his shoulder but Leo takes out his gun and shoots him in the chest. Then he takes off his Hawaiian shirt and Balthazar, bleeding from his chest, continues to follow him. Leo starts to cry.
Finally, Leo stops and gets down on his knees.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
Then I defy you stars!
He stops and takes out an Oscar that is clearly labeled "Tommy Lee Jones's Oscar" and uses it to dry out his tears. After he starts to stop crying, he drops the oscar then looks out into the sun and screams Juliet's name twice. He continues to sob a little more then stops. He looks at the sun. He looks around then takes out his cell phone. He turns it on then dials the apothecary's number and calls the apothecary.
INT. APOTHECARY'S OFFICE - NIGHT
The Apothecary, a bald, fat, middle aged man, is sitting at
a desk. He is on the phone with Leo. Dramatic music plays in
the background.
APOTHECARY
Calling for drugs! Giving new meaning to phoning it in!
INT. DESERT TOWN - NIGHT
Leo is on the phone with the apothecary asking for drugs
that are so strong it could kill him. Leo is on the phone
sobbing.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO (CRYING)
Let me have a dram of poison, such
soon-speeding gear as will
disperse itself through all the
veins that the life-weary taker
may fall dead.
INT. APOTHECARY'S OFFICE - NIGHT
The apothecary is reading a book titled "Shakesperean dictionary" because he can't understand what Leo is saying.
APOTHECARY (READING FROM THE BOOK)
Such mortal drugs I have, but
Verona's law is death to any he
that utters them.
INT. FRIAR LAWRENCE'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Friar Lawrence is on the phone with the mail company he sent
Juliet's letter to. He has just found out that Leo probably
didn't receive Juliet's letter.
FRIAR LAWRENCE
Who bore my letter then to Romeo?
INT. POST OFFICE - NIGHT
One of the workers at the post office is talking to Friar
Lawrence on the phone.
MAIL CLERK
I could not sent it - here it is again.
INT. FRIAR LAWRENCE'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Friar Lawrence realizes that Leo not being able to get the letter is very bad news. Stressed out, he puts his head on his forehead.
FRIAR LAWRENCE
By my brotherhood, unhappy fortune! The letter was of dear import.
EXT. JULIET'S CHAMBER - NIGHT
Many guards are surrounding Juliet's chamber, a lavish
building where Juliet's corpse rests. Leo comes in and runs
toward the chamber but one of the guards runs toward him and
Leo kicks him in the balls while a Batman-esque title card
that says "Pow" springs up into the screen. Then another
guard runs towards him and he kicks him in the balls which
causes another title card that says "Ow! My balls!" to
spring up. Then he runs up towards a guard's backside and
kicks him in the rear. Then another title card that says "No
comment" springs up. As this happens, ominous music plays in
the background. Also, as this is happening, a crew member talks to Baz.
CREW MEMBER(V.O.)
Um Mr. Luhrmann, what was the point of Friar Lawrence on the phone if we actually did see the mailman go to Romeo’s house and put the letter under his door?
BAZ LUHRMANN(V.O.)
Well, Romeo didn’t see ze letter!
CREW MEMBER(V.O.)
But he did get it and I’m pretty sure the post office wouldn’t know that he didn’t see the letter. Also, why would the Capulets put Juliet in a tomb? I know they were kind of over the top when it came to showing their wealth but this is just ridiculous!
BAZ LUHRMANN(V.O.)
Shut up.
Leo sees the remaining guard. The guard starts to run away but Leo grabs him, takes out his gun and points his gun at him.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
Tempt not a desperate man!
INT. JULIET'S CHAMBER - NIGHT
The remaining guard, being lead by Leo through gunpoint,
walks to the door that leads to the room Juliet is in. The
guard takes out his keys and opens the door. They go inside
the room to find Juliet laying there while guards guard the
corpse. Leo walks toward Juliet sad to see Juliet dead. He
kneels down to her. He feels her skin and can't believe
she's dead.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
O my love, my wife, death, that
hath sucked the honey of thy
breath, hath had no power yet upon
thy beauty, thou art not
conquered. Beauty's ensign yet is
crimson in thy lips and in thy
cheeks, and death's pale flag is
not advanced there. Ah, dear
Juliet, why art thou yet so fair?
Shall I believe that unsubstantial
death is amorous and keeps thee
here in dark to be his paramour?
For fear of that I still will stay
with thee. Here, oh here will I
set up my everlasting rest and
shake the yoke of inauspicious
stars from this world-wearied
flesh.
He kneels closer to Juliet.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
Eyes, like your last. arms, take
your last embrace. And, lips, O
you the doors of breath, seal with
a righteous kiss...
He gently kisses Juliet's lips. Juliet's hand moves but he
doesn't notice it. Leo stops kissing her and takes out the
poison, which is in a flask.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
A dateless bargain to engrossing death.
He drinks the poison. He starts to feel funny but the poison isn't killing him fast enough.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
O true apothecary, thy drugs are slow.
He takes out his gun and shoots himself in the chest which
causes him to lay down to his death. The gun shot wakes
Juliet.
JULIET (CURIOUS)
Oh Romeo, what's here?
She turns around only to see Leo on the ground dying. This gets her upset.
JULIET (UPSET)
Drunk all, and left no friendly
drop to help me after. I will kiss
thy lips. Haply some poison yet
doth hang on them to make me die
with a restorative.
Before Leo dies, the two star-crossed lovers share one last
passionate kiss. An old woman who’s animated embraces in their kiss. Then another old lady, wearing glasses and is pudgier, smiles. Then we cut to cute little animals rejoicing in their kiss. Then we cut back to Romeo and Juliet. They stop kissing.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
Thus with a kiss I die.
Leo's eyes close forever. This causes Juliet to get upset
and start crying.
JULIET (CRYING)
Oh boo hoo hoo! Oh boo hoo hoo!
She sees the gun in Leo's hand and takes it. Then she points the gun to her head.
JULIET
O happy dagger, let me die!
She kills herself by shooting herself in the head. Then she
drops onto Leo. Suddenly, the flashback song begins in the
background which sounds a lot like the Broke back Mountain
theme song.
INT. "THE QUICK AND THE DEAD" MOVIE – DAY
We see Leonardo Dicaprio falling to his death after being in
a gunfight in that movie.
BACKGROUND SINGER
We don't know who's having this
flashback...
INT. THE DEPARTED DEATH SCENE - DAY
We see Leonardo Dicaprio's death scene in The Departed.
BACKGROUND SINGER
'Cause last we checked both Romeo...and Juliet were dead.
INT. ANASTASIA DEATH SCENE – NIGHT
We see Dimitri's death scene from the movie Anastasia. The
reason it's in here is because Dimitri kind of looks like
Leonardo Dicaprio.
BACKGROUND SINGER
Friar Lawrence can't be having
this flashback,---.
INT. TITANIC DEATH SCENE - NIGHT
We see Leonardo Dicaprio sinking before Kate Winslet's eyes.
BACKGROUND SINGER
'Cause he wasn't there when these
events happened.
INT. TOTAL ECLIPSE DEATH SCENE - DAY
We see Leonardo Dicaprio's body on the hospital guerney
being covered. The background singer just goes "Ooh" for the
entire scene until the screen finally pauses.
BAZ LUHRMANN (V.O.)
'Ello, it is I, Boz Luhmunn! I am
sad to say that even though I made
a pact that I would just copy the
script from Shakespeare and put it
in a modern setting, the studio
wants to change the ending to a
happy ending despite the fact that
my movies never have had happy
endings and neither have
Leo's...well, Strictly Ballroom
had a happy ending but that's
about it. Anyway, I will present
to you two alternate endings which
I shall post on You tube. It is up
to you, the viewer, to pick which
video is the best. However, I'm
afraid for now, seeing as were
running out of time, we'll have to
end this movie.
FADE OUT.
